Striker

‘No. No, you didn’t.’

He looked out over the room as it began to slowly fill up with local celebrities, sportsmen, Red Star players past and present. He didn’t really want to be there, if he was honest. This kind of gig wasn’t his thing, but it came with the territory. And anyway, now that Amber was here things could only get better. ‘I kind of assumed it was you who didn’t want to tell the world you were with me.’

Amber looked at him. ‘Ryan, I… I don’t… What’s actually going on with us?’

‘Apart from great sex?’

‘Be serious, will you? My night hasn’t exactly got off to the best of starts so I don’t need…’

‘Do you want to talk about it?’

She looked away for a second, catching the eye of Jim Allen as he walked into the room, her heart leaping about like it was on some kind of trampoline as he held her gaze, causing her to look away first. ‘No. I don’t want to talk about it.’

‘Amber…’

She took another, longer sip of wine, shaking out her hair as though that would rid her of all the negative energy seeing Jim Allen had created. ‘I want to be with you, Ryan. Okay? I don’t know what we have here, exactly, or even where it’s going. All I know is that I like being with you. I like being around you.’

‘I like being around you, too, Amber.’

She looked at him, slightly taken aback because she’d half expected him to run a mile. She wasn’t exactly telling him that she wanted to get married and have his babies, but considering the type of person Ryan Fisher was, what she’d just told him almost constituted a serious relationship. But that was the last thing either of them wanted. At the minute. ‘You do?’

He smiled, a smile which wiped all thoughts of Jim Allen clean away. For now. ‘Yeah. Jesus, Amber, I’ve never met anyone like you before, so don’t think for a minute I’m giving you up that easily. And besides, we’re having fun, aren’t we?’

‘Yeah. We are.’ She really wanted another drink but she’d just seen Kevin walk in, so she had a feeling best behaviour was going to be called for from now on. She really wished she didn’t have to work tonight. The last thing she felt like doing was mingling with a roomful of local celebrities, grabbing a word here and a short interview there. She just wasn’t in the mood. But that was what she was here to do. Whether she liked it or not.

The touch of Ryan’s hand on her hip made her turn her attention back to him as he gently swung her round to face him. ‘Wanna give them something to talk about?’ he grinned, and Amber couldn’t help but grin back. Why did he make her feel sixteen again? And was that ultimately a good thing? She’d done a lot of things at sixteen she hadn’t been proud of, and it wasn’t a place she particularly wanted to revisit. Even though circumstances could mean she had no choice.

‘I really don’t know what I’m getting myself into with you, Ryan Fisher. But do you know what? I’m tired of being sensible, boring Amber. I’m tired of being serious all the time. I need some fun, before I forget how to have it.’

‘Sounds like a plan to me,’ Ryan smiled, pulling her against him, kissing her slowly. And maybe it wasn’t the wisest of places in which to make their relationship public, but it was done now. They couldn’t exactly press rewind.

‘Okay, handsome. As much as I’d like to stay here with you, I’ve got work to do.’ She looked over towards Kevin, who was staring back at her with raised eyebrows and an expression that asked ‘Is there something you want to tell me?’

‘You coming back to mine later?’ Ryan asked, reluctantly letting her go. She looked incredible tonight in that tight black dress and those killer heels. Although he had no doubt that he’d rather see that dress down around her ankles. She could keep the heels on, though. Jesus, that image was giving him a hard-on he was going to have put back in the box until later.

‘Yeah,’ Amber smiled, shaking her hair out again, quickly running her fingers through it. ‘You bet I am.’

Leaving him standing by the bar, she walked over to Kevin, who was still looking at her with raised eyebrows and a surprised expression.

‘If the wind changes you’ll stay like that,’ Amber pointed out, taking a glass of something sparkling from the tray of a passing waiter. Sod it. One more drink wouldn’t hurt.

‘How long has that been going on?’ he asked, jerking his head in the direction of Ryan.

She took a sip of what tasted like champagne. ‘Long enough.’

‘Shit! Amber!’

‘What? What difference does it make to you? You said it wouldn’t hurt if I got closer to Ryan Fisher.’

‘I didn’t say shag him for news stories, did I?’

‘Oh, you think I’m with him purely to get you scoops from the sporting world?’

‘No, of course not…’

‘I’m joking, Kevin. Look, it’s just a bit of fun, alright? It won’t affect my work, I’ll be professional at all times – when I need to be – and if there is any juicy news from the world of football that I think we should know about, I’ll make sure Ryan tells us first, alright?’

Kevin looked at her, his eyebrows thankfully returning to their normal position. ‘You’re a dark horse, Amber Sullivan. I always thought you and footballers…’

‘Yes, well, you know what thought did.’ She took another sip of champagne and scanned the room, noticing her dad deep in conversation with Jim Allen. Her stomach momentarily lurched again as his eyes briefly met hers, a million memories flooding her head that she quickly pushed aside. She turned her attention back to Kevin. ‘Right. I’d better start mingling then, hadn’t I? Is Alec here with the camera yet?’

‘He’s just setting up,’ Kevin replied. ‘I’ll give you a shout when he’s ready. Go on. Go talk to your dad for five minutes.’

Amber watched Kevin walk away, reluctant to go over to her dad while Jim was still around.

‘So, it’s all official then?’ Ronnie asked, sidling up beside her, a pint in one hand, the other stuffed deep in the pocket of his black suit trousers.

‘Why is everybody suddenly making me feel like I’m twelve years old? I’m thirty-frigging-seven, and Ryan isn’t my first boyfriend.’

‘Touchy,’ Ronnie smirked, taking a sip of lager.

Amber nudged him, unable to stop herself from smiling. ‘Fuck off, Ronnie.’

‘Nice. Does your new boyfriend know what comes out of that mouth?’

‘He’s more concerned with what goes in it,’ she winked, walking away from him, finally plucking up the courage to go over to her dad.

‘Oh, that’s ladylike, Amber. That’s very ladylike,’ Ronnie shouted after her. Amber just gave him a dismissive wave over her shoulder as she walked away, trying not to let the sick feeling in her stomach take over as she approached her dad, who was still talking to Jim Allen.

‘Amber,’ Freddie Sullivan said, giving his daughter an almost stern look. Was he really going to start lecturing her on boyfriends? At her age? Really? ‘Jim tells me you two have already caught up with each other?’

She looked over at the handsome American. He might be forty-eight years old now but he hadn’t lost any of those good looks that had made him the pin-up player of his day. If anything, he’d only got better looking. ‘Yeah. We have. Briefly.’

‘And I’ve told her she’s looking beautiful tonight,’ Jim smiled, a smile loaded with more meaning than Amber cared to think about. ‘Your new boyfriend really is one very lucky man.’

Amber swallowed hard, trying desperately to keep the smile on her face, although she wasn’t altogether sure it had travelled to her eyes.

‘Don’t you go wearing him out now,’ Jim winked. ‘We’ve got a big match this weekend. I’d hate our star player to be – tired.’ He turned away from her and smiled at her father. ‘I’ll catch you later, Freddie. Good to see you again, after all this time.’

‘You too, Jim.’

Amber watched him walk away, swallowing hard again before she looked at her dad, sighing the second she saw his expression. ‘Jesus, Dad, come on. Don’t start, alright?’

‘I’m not going to lie and say I’m happy about this, Amber.’

‘I don’t need your approval.’

‘Maybe not, but he’s eleven years younger than you…’

‘And what’s that got to do with anything?

‘Ryan Fisher is trouble, kiddo. And you know that as well as I do. He’s trouble, and that concerns me when I suddenly find out that my daughter is involved with him.’

‘Y’know, contrary to belief, I’m all grown-up now. I think I can handle Ryan Fisher.’

‘I hope so. I really hope so. Because I don’t want to have to be the one to pick up the pieces when he fucks up.’

‘Dad…’

‘You might not be my little girl anymore, Amber, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying about you. So just be careful, okay?’

Amber sighed again, looking up at the ceiling for a few seconds as she heard Kevin’s voice calling her over, grateful for the well-timed distraction. ‘I’ve got work to do, Dad. I’ll catch you later.’

‘Are you fucking kidding me?’

Amber swung round as she heard that American accent behind her. She’d thought nobody had noticed her sneak off for a sly cigarette, donated by a News North East colleague – the kind of night she’d had so far had caused her to revive her old smoking habit – but she’d been wrong. Some people had quite obviously been watching her more closely than others.

‘I’m busy, Jim.’

He grabbed her arm again, almost dragging her round the corner to a quiet area behind the stadium, pushing her back against the wall. ‘Ryan fucking Fisher?’

She stared into his eyes. Maybe facing him head-on was the only option she had left now. Avoiding him obviously wasn’t working. ‘And that’s got how much to do with you, exactly?’

‘I’m his fucking manager, honey. So what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with is very much my business.’

She couldn’t help laughing. Was he serious? ‘Bullshit, Jim!’ She pushed him away and he staggered back slightly, quickly composing himself, straightening his jacket collar, his eyes meeting hers once again. But she was standing her ground. ‘Fucking bullshit!’

He laughed, too, a deep, almost sinister laugh, moving closer to her again, reaching out to stroke her cheek with his fingertips. ‘Your dad’s none-too-pleased about your new – boyfriend, I gather.’

She made no attempt to remove his hand. She made no attempt to move at all, her eyes still staring into his. Eyes she hadn’t stared into for almost two decades now. For good reason.

‘But then, I’m sure daddy wouldn’t be too pleased if he knew what me and his little girl had got up to. His baby. You were so young, Amber…’

‘I was too young, Jim.’

‘I never once heard you say no, honey. Not once.’

‘I’d just turned sixteen,’ Amber whispered, her stomach turning over and over as he moved ever closer, his thumb now running over her slightly open mouth, and Amber wished with all her heart that she wasn’t feeling the things she was feeling right now.

‘And you were beautiful. You were so beautiful. And you’re even more beautiful now…’

‘Why did you come back here, Jim? You promised me, you said you would never come back here once your playing days were over.’

‘Promises are made to be broken, Amber. And you can’t expect me to turn down the opportunity of a lifetime now, can you? Expecting me to turn down this job just because you don’t want me around anymore, that’s pretty selfish, don’t you think?’

She closed her eyes as his fingers continued to stroke her skin, moving down over her neck, her shoulders, trailing slowly along her collarbone. ‘Please, don’t do this to me, Jim. Don’t do this. I can’t go there again. What you did to me…’

‘I was in love with you, Amber. I was in love with you for so long…’

She shook her head, trying desperately not to cry now. She’d tried so hard for so many years to forget her teenage affair with this handsome American who’d swept her off her feet and made her feel like a princess. She’d tried to forget the first time he’d made love to her, just days after her sixteenth birthday. He’d been this twenty-seven-year-old, incredibly charming, drop-dead gorgeous footballer who’d made her feel like the most special person in the world. But he’d also been the man who’d told her they had to keep their relationship a secret because nobody would understand, and she’d never questioned that because, back then, she would have done anything for him. Anything.

For almost two years her life had been a whirlwind of daydreams and fantasies as she’d studied for her A Levels and he continued to be a footballing god, becoming one of Red Star’s most successful players ever. They’d snatched secret meetings together at a city centre apartment at any opportunity, making love and talking about the future, but it was a future she soon found out he’d had no intention of spending with her.

The day his relationship with a local model hit the headlines was the day Amber had left the North East to go and study for her degree in Manchester. She’d needed to get away. She’d needed that distance in order to cope, because coping wasn’t something she’d dealt with all that successfully at the time. How could she possibly have stayed in the North East with Jim a major player at Red Star, flaunting his beautiful new girlfriend all over the place? This stunning new couple that everybody was talking about. He’d used her as nothing but a plaything, something with which to amuse himself until he’d found the girl he’d really wanted. And it had shattered Amber. Because she’d been convinced, absolutely convinced, that he’d meant every word he’d said to her. How stupid had she been?

After finishing university she’d moved back to the North East, finally believing she was over Jim Allen. Had it hurt to see him again? Had it hurt to go home and find him there, at her parents’ house? Smiling at her as though he hadn’t been the one to take her precious virginity, lie to her, and then walk away the second he’d got bored? Yeah. It had hurt like hell. So why, then, did she just erase all those bad memories and replace them only with the beautiful ones she remembered? The ones where he’d hold her in his arms and touch her in a way she could only ever have dreamt about before? Why did she forget the lies and the secrets and the hurt he’d put her through? Why did she do that? Because Jim Allen had got under her skin, embedded himself there like some kind of permanent tattoo that she couldn’t remove, no matter how much she wanted to. And to get home and find out that his relationship had ended, that his girlfriend had left him for a musician she’d met on a modelling shoot, that was the news Amber had wanted to hear for so long. The news that Jim Allen was free again. Everything else – the past, the lies, all the hurt and the pain, none of that had mattered. All that mattered was that he was back in her life. It hadn’t bothered her that he’d still been determined to keep everything a secret, to hide their relationship away like something seedy and sordid. She wasn’t that naive sixteen-year-old who’d had her head turned by a handsome face and empty promises, she wasn’t that person anymore, so why hadn’t she questioned the secrecy second time around? Why hadn’t she done that? Because she’d been blinded by an obsession that had taken her over, that’s why. And once again she’d believed everything he’d told her. She’d believed that, this time, there was a future for them, that they did have something worth fighting for. And it had been worth it just to have him back where she’d always wanted him – back in her life, back in her bed, back making love to her in a way that made her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Jim Allen was addictive. Jim Allen was dangerous. Jim Allen had the ability to hurt her all over again, so when it came out that he was involved with a famous soap actress, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to Amber. She should have known it was going to happen all along. But when he tossed her aside a second time it was still as much of a shock as it had been first time around. Yet still she couldn’t tell a soul. She couldn’t tell anyone why her heart was breaking all over again, why she refused invitations from friends to go out and have fun in the pubs and clubs of Newcastle, like any normal young girl in their twenties. She couldn’t tell them that she didn’t want to meet some random boy in a bar. She didn’t want that. She didn’t want some meaningless relationship – yet, in reality, wasn’t that exactly what she’d had with Jim?

That was when she’d thrown herself into her work, deciding to carve out a career in sports reporting rather than having fun and finding love. She’d already found love, and look where that had got her. She couldn’t go through that again. It was then that Amber had made her decision never to become involved with footballers ever again. Despite what she’d told Ronnie, despite what she’d told anyone else, that decision had never really been about the Ryan Fishers of this world. She could handle them – the arrogant, cocksure bastards who thought everything revolved around them. They were just little boys who earned far too much money and lived their lives in some kind of fantasy bubble. They weren’t a problem; she could deal with them. No, everything was Jim Allen’s fault. Everything. He was the reason she was a cold-hearted ice-queen. He was the reason she’d never had a decent relationship with any man for all these years. He was the reason she was shaken up and confused. He was the reason.

He’d seen out his professional playing days at Newcastle Red Star, and following his retirement he’d finally left the North East with his soap-star girlfriend to move down south and start his managerial career, giving Amber the distance she’d needed all over again. And he’d promised her, he’d told her that was it. If she didn’t want him to come back up north then he wouldn’t. He’d leave her in peace, let her move on with her life and, despite everything, that’s what she’d done. She’d moved on. But now he was back. Back in the North East, back in her life. Back to break her heart all over again?

‘You were never in love with me, Jim. Never.’

He shook his head, his eyes following the movement of his fingers as they traced the curve of her breasts, and Amber was unable to stop a small gasp of pleasure from escaping, even though she’d tried to do so by biting down on her lip.

‘You have no idea, Amber…’ He gave that low laugh again, his eyes back on hers. ‘You used to bite down on your lip when we made love, do you remember?’ His arm snaked around her waist, his hand sliding down to rest in the small of her back, his mouth moving closer to hers as he spoke. ‘I can still see it now. Your eyes would always be open because you liked to look at me, didn’t you? You liked to look at me when I pushed inside you. But you’d always bite down on that bottom lip of yours. Always.’

‘Please don’t do this,’ Amber whispered, afraid of what she might do now, afraid of what might happen because she hadn’t even thought about the consequences Jim Allen’s arrival back on Tyneside might have. She’d known she was going to have to face him again, but she hadn’t even thought about what could – what would – happen when she did. Thirty-seven years old and, even though she’d tried so hard to believe that she wasn’t, she was still as naive as that sixteen-year-old girl who’d believed every promise this man had broken. ‘Please.’

‘I didn’t just come back for this job, Amber.’

‘No.’ She shook her head again, silent tears now streaming down her cheeks, and as he leaned forward and brushed his lips over those tears, gently kissing them away, she felt her heart break into a million tiny pieces. ‘Don’t say that. Please, don’t say that.’

‘I’m a free agent, Amber. No ties, nothing holding me back. And I don’t believe for one second that this ridiculous relationship you have with Ryan Fisher is anything but a front…’

‘You don’t know anything,’ Amber said quietly, quickly brushing away fresh tears with the back of her hand. ‘Ryan… he’s not what everybody thinks he is. He’s changed.’

‘Are you really still that naive, Amber? Ryan Fisher doesn’t care about you, he never will. You’re the older woman, the novelty he hasn’t yet had a chance to try out. Believe me, honey, when he’s finished with you he’ll just toss you aside and move onto the next new toy.’

‘Like you did, you mean?’

Jim looked at her, right into her pale blue eyes that were still shining with tears yet, at the same time, were steely and cold. ‘I came back for you, Amber.’

‘No, you didn’t, Jim. Jesus, will you stop playing me again? This isn’t fair, you’re not being fair…’

‘I saw you with him, and it hurt. Okay? He’s a boy, Amber. A boy. And he’ll never love you, not like I can. Never.’

‘Who says I want love? After what you did to me why would I want to leave myself open to that kind of hurt again? Huh? Why would I want to do that? I’m having fun, Jim. For all those years I threw myself into my work as a way of forgetting you and what you did to me; I became obsessed with my career, with being the best at what I did, and in turn that made me into this cold, almost bitter person who trusted no one and let nobody past the barriers I had to put up. Because of what you did. So now I’m having fun, okay? I’m not in this to find love, or to find that perfect man, because he doesn’t exist. I’m just having fun.’

He pulled her against him, his hand still resting firmly in the small of her back, his mouth almost touching hers as he spoke, the smell of his aftershave overwhelming because it was the same aftershave he’d worn when they’d been together. Both times. He smelt the same, he felt the same; he sounded the same. But everything was so different.

‘I didn’t come back here purely for this job,’ he whispered. ‘Believe that.’

‘I don’t have to believe anything where you’re concerned, Jim.’

He smiled, a smile that sent Amber’s heart racing so fast she could almost feel the blood rushing through her veins, making her feel dizzy and slightly disorientated. ‘My baby girl,’ he whispered, gently stroking her hair. ‘My beautiful baby girl.’

Amber had lost all control now. He was too close, he was far too close and she couldn’t stop him, couldn’t stop it from happening. Before she’d even had a chance to realise what was going on, his mouth was touching hers in a kiss that sent her heart racing even faster, a kiss so beautiful, so full of memories that it made her cry all over again, hot, fresh tears soaking his skin as well as hers. But she couldn’t pull away; she didn’t want to. Not at first, anyway. His mouth was soft against hers, moving slowly as he kissed her long and deep, his hand resting on her damp cheek as she held him close – this man who’d hurt her so badly. This man who’d walked back into her life as though nothing had happened.

But then reality kicked in. All the memories of the pain and the tears, the nights she’d lain in bed crying her heart out, falling to pieces because she’d loved him so much, the humiliation enough to make sure she’d never, ever told a soul about what had happened between them. All that hurt came flooding back like a tidal wave, crashing over her with a force so overwhelming it was as if someone had just turned on a light and all of a sudden she could see exactly what was going on.

Pulling away from him, she pushed him backwards, with a much harder force this time, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand as she looked him right in the eye. ‘You don’t get to do this to me a third time, Jim. You don’t get to do that.’

And with that she walked away from him, back inside, back to the life she’d been trying to get on with before he’d walked back into it.

‘Everything okay?’ Ryan asked as she joined him at the bar.

She looked at him. ‘Have you been here all night?’

‘Who are you? My mother?’

‘Fuck you, Ryan. I’m not in the mood.’ She started to walk away from him, tired and desperate to forget this night had ever happened. But he wasn’t letting her get away that easily.