488 Rules for Life: The Thankless Art of Being Correct

Incidentally, among people who are forced to hot-desk, it is much more commonly referred to as ‘shit-desking’. Only management still insist on using the term ‘hot-desking’. It’s been proven in numerous studies, far more formal and official than mine (I just went around asking, ‘On a scale of one to ten how much do you hate hot-desking?’) that hot-desking does not improve employee productivity. Quite the contrary, in fact, because, while you might save money buying less furniture and office space, you lose money by having unhappy, less-efficient employees. I call Time’s Up on hot-desking.

65

Comedy dancing is not dancing—just don’t dance

This is a rule for all the office wags at the office Christmas party.

FOOD IN THE OFFICE

66

Don’t eat at your desk

This is controversial I know, but my reason is twofold. Firstly, everyone is entitled to a lunch break. This should be an hour (or half hour) where you break and go for lunch. It’s not at all cryptic. A lunch hour should not mean an hour spent at your desk with lunch in one hand, still working with the other, dropping bits of food into your keyboard and using your pants as a napkin.

Secondly, it’s incredibly unhygienic to eat at your desk and it’s unpleasant for your fellow workers to witness, especially if you’re eating something stinky like a hard-boiled egg or something noisy like a chip sandwich. No judgement for eating a chip sandwich, by the way, that’s an excellent carb on carb choice, just do it in a designated food-eating area.

67

No stinky foods in the office

Respect those around you and don’t bring your leftover fish curry to work and then heat it up in the office microwave. No one wants to spend the afternoon working in the noxious fishy miasma you’ve just created. And while I understand that many people love tuna for its healthful and nourishing properties, I think we can all agree that it really does stink so, if you must eat it, I suggest going outside to enjoy your lunch in the open air. Don’t chow down in the confines of the office where the windows only open a few inches, if at all. As for bringing hot chips into the office, that is not just smelly, it’s also mean. Because for the first thirty seconds, hot chips smell delicious and now you’ve made everyone in the office want hot chips. However, pretty soon those hot chips will turn cold and the office will smell like every teenage McDonald’s employee when they come home from a shift reeking of cold grease and congealed fat.

68

No food in meetings

We’re all busy. But if you’re so busy that you’re bringing soup to a meeting and slurping it during proceedings, then you need to organise your day better. Either reschedule the meeting or reschedule your soup slurping.

69

Pick one day a month to do birthday cake

Office birthday cake is a minefield. Yes, cake is great but not everyone is in the mood to drop everything and suddenly gather in the conference room at some random time of day whenever it’s someone’s birthday. There’s never a set time for birthday cake, quite often it’s a case of ‘Hurry up everyone, we’re doing cake now because Jo is leaving early to go to a conference!’ It’s even less appealing when you know your only reward will be ten minutes of awkward forced togetherness and a piece of wet supermarket mud cake that you end up pushing around a paper plate with a plastic fork. I am, however, not against birthdays or cakes. My solution is to pick a day—one day a month, for argument’s sake, let’s say the last Friday of every month. Then on that Friday at 11 am everyone gathers in the boardroom and someone reads out a list of all the people who have celebrated a birthday that month. Cake is presented, ‘Happy Birthday’ is sung (in accordance with the following rule) and everyone enjoys a bit of cake for morning tea.

This allows cake to remain special, it also means everyone in the office knows when birthday cake day is approaching. You can schedule it into your workday, you can set your palate for cake, you can even stop work at 10.55 to make a cup of tea to go with your pending piece of cake. The other great advantage of this system is that it provides enough lead time for someone to actually make a decent cake. Surely that is preferable to the office junior being dispatched to Coles to procure some hideous-looking cake encased in a plastic dome every time someone reveals it’s their birthday.

70

Stop singing after the final ‘Happy Birthday to you’

No one wants to hear the ‘For he’s a jolly good fellow’ extended mix featuring MC Daryl the office good-time guy on ‘hip hip hoorays’. It’s awkward. People have work to do. And cake to eat. Hopefully a delicious homemade one if you’ve adhered to the previous rule.

LANGUAGE

GENERAL LANGUAGE RULES

71

Once you hear a word used in an ad, it’s time to stop using it

A good example of this would be ‘hangry’, which was used in a flavoured-milk ad. You don’t want to use that word anymore, because if it’s appeared in an ad it’s officially past its use-by date. Advertising people are notorious for being one step behind and stealing ideas from other art forms, such as films, TV and comedy. I know because I used to be in advertising.

72

Never tell someone you have a GSOH

It’s unnecessary. If you have a good sense of humour, it will become apparent the minute you say something funny or laugh appreciatively at something funny that someone else has said.

Similarly, you should never use the terms ‘dark’ or ‘unique’ to describe your own sense of humour. People who genuinely have a dark sense of humour don’t think of it as dark, they just think of it as regular. Whereas people who say they have a dark or unique sense of humour are often trying to make themselves seem interesting, or justify the fact that no one laughed at something they said: ‘Oh, you don’t get it? Must be because I have a very dark sense of humour.’

73

Don’t ever ‘wonder what the poor people are doing’

It’s no big mystery. They’re probably thinking about where their next meal is coming from or how they’re going to pay their rent.

74

Stop saying ‘First World problems’

If you live in the First World, this phrase is an oxymoron. All of our problems are First World problems. So you can safely just say ‘problems’. Unless, of course, you are suddenly hit with a Third World problem, then you might want to flag it as such: ‘Hey?! This bowl of sorghum is tasteless and I think it’s been made with polluted water, talk about Third World problems!’

Or if someone says to you: ‘I can’t come in to work today, I’ve got cholera.’

Then you can respond: ‘Wow! Third World problem or what?!’

75

Clown is not a verb

It’s bad enough that you are a clown, please don’t try to talk it up by saying you are going to do some ‘clowning’ or that you learned ‘to clown’ in Paris.

76

Feed is not a noun

And should never be used as such, as in: ‘Hey, do you want to go for a feed?’ (Farmers are the obvious exception to this rule.)

77

Don’t refer to your wife as ‘ the boss’

As in ‘I’ll have to check with the boss.’ Apart from anything else, it’s almost always disingenuous and only ever cited by men who would overrule their ‘boss’ in a heartbeat if she said something that didn’t suit them.

78

Avoid using adjectives such as delicious or yummy in non - food contexts

For example, you can say, ‘This food is delicious.’ But you cannot say, ‘My, my, don’t you look yummy today.’

79

Don’t describe inanimate objects as ‘sexy’

A typeface isn’t sexy. Nor is an iPhone. Home renovation show judges are flagrant in their disregard for this rule, always referring to things like tap fittings or marble bench tops or even 2PAC polycarbonate cupboards as ‘sexy’.

80

Keep more ye olde words in circulation

Don’t try to keep up with the youth (see next section) instead, go back in time and choose words and phrases from the past. The English language is full of great gear and it’s good to keep words alive. Words like ‘stepping out’ and ‘courting’ are so much better than ‘hooking up’ or ‘getting with’. I have always preferred ‘paramour’ to boyfriend or girlfriend. And ‘poppycock’ speaks for itself—what a great word. And while the youth might refer to ‘pingas’ and ‘nangs’ (although they probably don’t anymore but they did at the time I wrote that sentence), I think when it comes to drug language you can’t go past words like ‘jazz-cabbage’ or indeed the very old-fashioned and rather quaint ‘pot’. The idea of going up to a dealer and asking for ‘three packets of pot, please’ really tickles me.

81

Wellness is not a word

I know this word is everywhere now, it’s inescapable, but it’s as dumb as saying ‘healthosity’ or ‘nutritionative’.

82

The word ‘budget’ should never be paired with any of the following

 Seafood

 Airline

 Plastic surgery

 Dental work

83

Don’t refer to your ‘tribe’

Unless you are from an indigenous culture and you genuinely have a tribe. Note, a beard and strident opinions about cold-pressed coffee do not constitute a tribe.

84

Adults do not get to say ‘din - dins’ or ‘nom - noms’

Remember, other people are trying to eat, don’t put them off their food.

85

Don’t ever mention your ‘happy place’

To me, this sounds less like a pleasant, fun state of mind and more like some kind of utopian wank palace you’ve had built in the basement.

86

Poncewobble is a word, please use it

Every year the Macquarie Dictionary accepts a few new words into their dictionary and every year I wait for them to announce that ‘poncewobble’ is one of those words. Sadly, it hasn’t happened yet. I learned about poncewobbling from Jane Faure-Brac, whose brother invented the word sometime during the 1970s. I loved it the first time I heard it.

Poncewobble is a verb and it describes an action that will be recognised by anyone with siblings. Among siblings, there is always one who hoards their treats. Whether it’s Easter eggs, contents of showbags or even unopened Christmas presents, the canny hoarder hides their treats and pretends they’ve eaten them all and that they have nothing left. They may even actively encourage the other siblings to consume all their treats. When they have nothing left, the trickster then brings out all their goodies and takes great delight in eating them slowly in front of the others.

The act of hoarding and hiding with the sole aim of lording it over others later is called poncewobbling. And there’s always one poncewobbler (noun) in every family. I’m ashamed to say that in my family it was me. Poncewobbling can have an unfortunate and often unforeseen consequence, and that is when the parent steps in and makes the poncewobbler share their remaining treats with the siblings who have nothing left. Poncewobbling—be careful kids, it’s a risky business.

A word about the generation gap

Youth-speak is an area of language that changes faster than any other, therefore it’s difficult to make definitive rules about particular words you should or shouldn’t use. That’s because while youths are great inventers of words and phrases, they also dump those words as fast as they invent them. A basic rule of thumb for anyone over forty who wants to avoid looking out of touch is to listen closely to the vernacular of teenagers and then never use any of the words you just heard. Let the youth enjoy their own language, you have lots of other things, like financial stability and Facebook. (Which, of course, you totally stole from the youth because they were forced to drop it once all the parents and unhappy middle-aged married people discovered it and started using it to track down their high school sweethearts.) Act your age and maintain your dignity by sticking with language from your own era. As embarrassing as it may be to refer to something as ‘bitchin’ or ‘bodacious’, at least you just sound old, as opposed to old and try-hard.

Remember, if you have to ask a youth what the word means, you shouldn’t use it. I have listed a few examples here, but this is by no means a definitive list. Also, they were listed at the time of writing, which means that by the time of publication, they may well have disappeared into the vast abyss of discarded youth-speak. The fact that I have heard some of them creeping into use on television suggests they are already out.

Lit. For the record, I don’t know what it means. From the context in which I have heard it used, I gather it is something positive. But that’s as much as I can tell you. And again, it’s not my business to know. I’m well over forty.

* Editor’s note: The word ‘lit’ was recently spotted in a well-known fried chicken chain billboard so it’s safe to say ‘lit’ is now obsolete.

Dropped. Pertaining to music, such as a single or an album. If you grew up in a time when big black circles called records were released and shiny silver things called CDs came out , then you are too old to start telling me that someone’s new album is ‘dropping’. You should also never refer to ‘dropping a beat’. Ever.

Banging. You can’t erase your middle-agedness simply by listening to young people’s radio stations. Sure, you can tune in as a way of staying across current musical trends, but avoid repeating any of the language you hear spoken by the presenters such as ‘Wow, this shit is on fire’ and ‘That song is banging!’ Youth presenters, however, always drop their g’s so it would actually be pronounced bangin’, not that it matters because you won’t be saying it.

Nanginator. This is the name given to the equipment used to ‘do a nang’. Or at least it was for a few days in June 2019. Even though the kids will probably have moved on from doing nangs by the time this book comes out, I feel that the word ‘nanginator’ is so great, it deserves a public airing. If you want to know what a nang is, you’ll have to ask a teenager but if you want to purchase a nanginator, I happen to know they are available at most good kitchenware stores. Ask for them by name.

That said, the youth do not get a free pass on language just because they are young and inventive. There are still some rules and even some words I’d suggest they cut from their lexicon altogether, as you will see in the following section.

KIDS TODAY

87

Curb your use of the word ‘like’

Like is many things; however, it is not an adverb and should not be used as such:

And so I was, like, I cannot believe you are not going to, like, eat the dessert I made. And she was, like, but it’s banoffee pie, which is, like, disgusting. It’s, like, not even pie, it’s banana-flavoured mucus on, like, a cheesecake base. And I was, like, whatever.

As you can tell from the above, I don’t particularly like banoffee pie.

88

Assume that people know what you mean

Unless you are explaining the solution to a quadratic equation, or you happen to speak in riddles worthy of a cryptic crossword, then it’s safe to assume that most people will be able to follow what you’re saying. So there’s really no need to keep checking in and saying ‘know what I mean?’ every couple of sentences.

89

Don’t use words you don’t need, like ‘literally’

Most of us don’t speak in metaphor and simile, we almost always speak literally, so there is rarely the need to qualify your sentence by adding the word ‘literally’. As in ‘Oh my god, she ate the whole piece of cake, like, literally the whole piece of cake.’

It would be highly unusual for someone to assume that ‘piece of cake’ meant something else in this instance so you can do away with the word ‘literally’.

However, if you were talking about your dog and how he chewed up one of your board games, then in that instance you might want to qualify your statement with a ‘literally’: ‘We were playing Yahtzee the other day and then Bongo came along and ate the whole box and dice, literally the whole box and dice.’

CONVERSATION

Conversation is the mainstay of any social event, be it a date, a dinner party or a work function. It’s something we get to practise all the time, yet very few of us are any good at it and I include myself here. I can talk for an hour and a half on stage at people no problem, but it’s very different in social situations.

I get particularly nervous at parties. I have a real knack of grinding the conversation down into a series of dull questions that the other person has no interest in answering. I’ve noticed I also ask ‘closed questions’ a lot of the time, questions that require a short one or two-word answer and never lead to a broader discussion. I know for a fact that I am often ‘that person’, the one you get trapped talking to and have to invent an excuse to get away from. My saving grace is that I’m aware of my shortcomings and when I sense I am dragging someone into one of my conversation death spirals, I will try to help them get away. I will be the one who suggests they move on, saying something like, ‘Look, I won’t keep you, please go and get yourself a drink’, while magnanimously gesturing at the bar with an extended arm, thereby showing them the exit route.

A truly good conversationalist has an uncanny knack of making the person they are talking to feel interesting. It’s an amazing skill—usually you don’t even realise you’re in the presence of a good conversationalist, you just start thinking, Gee I’m telling some good stories today. Good conversationalists are few and far between, which is a shame because they make social occasions an absolute joy.

Obviously, as a person completely lacking in conversation skills, I needed to consult some experts to help formulate the following rules. Luckily I know a couple of excellent conversationalists. One is my best friend Glenn. Another is my fellow rule-maker Sophie. I also know a third expert called Dan, a colleague whom I see only occasionally but who never fails to make me feel both interesting and interested. I have watched him have animated and lively discussions with anyone and everyone in a room, including people I would have written off as dull and boring. I reached out to him by email to ask for his tips on how to be a good conversationalist but he didn’t reply. I can only assume he was too engrossed in a conversation to answer me.

90

Turn - take

This is the basic rule of conversation. You each take a turn to speak. And you each take a turn to listen. This second bit is quite important. Listening is different to just watching the other person’s mouth and waiting for it to stop moving so you can start talking again.

91

The onus is on you to make the conversation interesting

Don’t immediately write someone off as boring; most people have something interesting to say and, if you can find a way to ask good questions, you should be able to have an interesting conversation with anyone.

92

Don’t interrogate

The vibe you’re going for in a conversation is ‘gentle inquisition’. No one wants to feel like they’re being cross-examined at a murder trial. Subtle coaxing to extract further detail is permissible but don’t badger them like a lawyer going after an uncooperative witness.

93

Keep your questions to ten words or less

You’re not on Radio National trying to expose a politician for misuse of public funds.

94

Move on rather than resort to air filler phrases

Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, you just run out of stuff to say. Always move on before you start filling the awkward silence with phrases like ‘Ahhh, wouldn’t be dead for quids’ or ‘C’est la vie’ or ‘Well, here we are’.

95

Don’t ask vegetarians why they are vegetarian

It’s a question that they are forced to answer every time they sit down for a meal with a new person. It’s boring for them and if you’re lucky they will shut you down with a non-committal shrug and a vague ‘I just prefer not to eat meat.’ But if you’re unlucky you’ll come up against a fundamentalist who will redirect the question right back at you and ask why you’re NOT vegetarian. They will then rail at you about cruelty to animals, about how your love of meat is destroying the planet and basically make you feel really guilty about your choices. Either way, there’s no satisfactory answer so don’t waste anyone’s time, including your own, asking the question.

The exception is if you’re talking to comedian Dave Hughes, who has quite an interesting answer, which relates to the fact that he used to work in an abattoir and it put him off eating meat for life. It will probably put you off eating meat too, not necessarily for life but at least for a couple of days, so that’s good—you can do your bit for the planet, even if it’s just for a day or two.

96

Always, however, ask converts why they converted

There is something quite bizarre about grown-up people with solid, tertiary educations converting to one of the traditional book religions. As someone who grew up Catholic and experienced the pointless rituals and praying first-hand, I have never understood how a rational, thinking adult can choose to adopt formalised religion. It’s different when you’re born into it, you don’t know anything else and besides, it’s your family, it’s your culture.

97

Know when the small talk well is running dry and bail out

‘Got any travel plans?’ is an acceptable question when you’re struggling to sustain a floundering conversation; however, if you then follow it up with ‘Oh that’s nice … so, when do you go away?’ the conversation is officially dead in the water. So make an excuse and exeunt. Unless you’re planning a burglary of their house, there is nothing to be gained by garnering the exact dates of an acquaintance’s holiday.