Mean Girls: New Girl / Confessions of an Angry Girl / Here Lies Bridget / Speechless

“Sure it is, it’s my side of the room now. She was being a bitch.”

Everyone looked shocked. Blake smiled and took a sip of her drink. The other two changed the subject, and said nothing more about Becca for the rest of the meal.

“Thank God you called. Seriously, I’ve been desperate,” Leah was saying into her end of the phone.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“It’s Michael.”

Ah. Big surprise. Something was always happening with Michael. That’s another thing I wasn’t looking forward to at FSU—another four years of Ronnie-Sammi-esque drama. “What happened?”

“I am just so done with him. So done with him. He keeps acting superjealous, when I’m not even doing anything. I was with Emma yesterday and he got infuriated when I didn’t answer his texts. It’s so annoying.”

I really hoped she was finished with him. If this continued on into college, and I really was her roommate, I’d absolutely kill myself. Or them.

“Just let go of him, Leah, seriously. You guys have been beyond finished for like three years.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just mean, he’s done everything you hate. He’s read your texts, your Facebook messages, your emails, he’s followed you when you left your house … How have you stayed with him?”

“I don’t know. Because I love him? I really care about him. Ugh, I wish I could just let go, but it’s so hard. How’s your love life by the way?” she asked, brightening.

“Oh … um, nonexistent.”

“Really? There’s no one at all?”

“Really. Well. There’s this guy … but.” Suddenly everything about Becca seemed like it was difficult to explain. I couldn’t say that there was a missing girl and everyone misses her and it’s really screwing up my life without sounding like a total jackass. Or maybe just thinking it made me one. “He’s got a girlfriend.”

“Aw, that’s too bad. Does he love her?”

“Apparently.”

“Aw. I’m sorry, that sucks. Well, is there anyone else you like?”

“Nope. I don’t even really know anyone. Leah?” She was talking with the mouthpiece covered up.

“Can I call you back? Michael is here.”

“Not really, I have to turn my phone—”

“Love you!”

And she was gone. I looked at my phone. It was nine already anyway. I sighed and stood up to return my phone to its own little jail cell.

I walked up to see that Max was returning his phone. I took a deep breath and walked toward him. He spotted me as he handed his phone over.

He smiled, and I smiled back. More backflips.

I said hi, and he said hi, and that was it. I could do nothing more to prolong the moment. I walked up the stairs and away from him.

That was all I could have done. Max and I had barely spoken. And all I’d gotten were reasons to avoid him.

When I arrived at my room, my heart still in my throat, I found my door locked. I hoped that meant Dana wasn’t in the room. No such luck, however. She was there, looking as morbid as usual.

“Only five minutes after nine,” she said, looking at her alarm clock. “Hmm.”

“What?”

She sighed and set down her book. “Becca was never back this early. She used to stay out until the wee hours of the morning with Max.”

“What makes you think I was with Max?” I thought of our brief encounter.

She laughed, and it did not suit her. “I just meant that she was always with Max. But I guess you can see now how you misunderstood.”

I flushed pink. Dana stood and drifted into the bathroom. I wanted to smack her. My eyes scanned the wall of pictures, landing on one of Becca in a royal-blue shirt, her goldenblond hair in curls. She leaned back as Max kissed her. My heart fell.

I kicked off my shoes, and immediately stubbed my toe on that stupid Louis Vuitton suitcase. The pain that shot up my foot sent some kind of wave through me. I walked over to the bathroom and threw open the door. She had just tossed her shirt on the ground, and covered herself up as I walked in.

“I’ve had enough. You cannot talk to me like that and just expect me to take it. You don’t know me, you just hate me because you miss your fucking friend. And I have told you that I understand, and that I sympathize. But you are just—”

“Oh, shut up, you’re turning an ugly shade of red.”

She smiled smugly at me and rolled her eyes, and I almost lost it. I envisioned slapping her hard and tossing an easy, “Who’s red now, bitch?” over my shoulder as I left her to cry.

But instead I just steadied my breathing and stalked out.

chapter 11 becca

BECCA COULD NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT Johnny. How was that possible? What was drawing her to him? At first he had seemed so predictable and uninteresting. But now he was intriguing and desirable.

It had been three weeks since it happened, and time had only made her yearn for more of Johnny’s touch, breath and whatever that strange power was that he had over her. Her wanting had made it nearly impossible to be with Max. She felt stone-cold. Nothing he did could rattle her. But every time she wanted something more with Johnny, she’d convince herself not to go toward him. After all, if she liked him, he could hurt her.

Then she’d stay with Max a little longer. At least until she really had Johnny.

But that didn’t mean it was easy to stop talking to him in the meantime, or hooking a finger through his belt loop when they talked. She was doing that now, while the party surrounded them. As soon as she caught a glimpse of Max, she jumped away from Johnny as if he’d scalded her.

“Hey, baby,” she said to Max, running over to him and then winding an arm around him. “You wanna do a body shot?”

He gave her a look. “No. Thanks though.”

“But I do! Please, babe?” He said nothing, but laughed, and she smiled. She jumped onto a table next to her, shouted over the music to get the attention of the room. “Hey! Who wants to do a body shot off me?”

She pulled up her shirt to show her flat stomach, and smiled wider as her subjects cheered. She chose a random guy she didn’t even know, and pulled him over to the beer pong table. She lay down, and laughed at the crowd around her. Someone poured a shot of tequila onto her stomach, sprinkled some salt on her chest, and then put a slice of lime from the dining hall into her mouth. The guy took the shot, and everyone clamored to be next. Becca looked at Max, who smiled and shook his head. He didn’t look jealous enough. She glanced at Johnny, who did.

In short order, Becca had downed three shots and, finally, the room had begun to spin a little. She found that this was about how drunk she needed to be in order to feel affectionate toward Max and to forget about Johnny. Usually. But that became really hard as she looked up and saw that Johnny was dancing with that girl Susan.

Susan? Really? That poor ditz was only trying to be like Becca. Suddenly her mousy blond hair was up in a spunky ponytail just like Becca’s, and her glasses were gone, and her boobs were in a real bra instead of a sports bra. Oh, and she’d picked up smoking Camel Lights, just like Becca.

Becca stood quickly, momentarily losing her balance, and took two shots right in a row. They burned, and she looked to see what they were. Hundred-proof vodka.

Twenty minutes later, it was kicking her ass.

She spotted Johnny about twenty feet away, and ambled over to him.

“I think I had too much stuff,” she said.

“What did you have? You didn’t accept anything from Ricky, right?”

“No, no … I just had some shots of that.” She pointed indiscriminately. “I didn’t know it was hundred proof.”

She wanted to lean on him. To feel his arm around her, making her feel safe. From what, she didn’t know. But he always made her feel better.

“Johnny … Johnny.”

“Yeah?”

“We should be, you know, like …” She pointed between them. “Together or whatever.”

He looked at her, and she wanted to reach up and kiss him.

“We can’t.”

“Not ever? Not even if I break up? I mean with Max. If I break up with him, why couldn’t we be, then?” Those shots were tangling her tongue.

“Because that’s almost as bad as what we’re doing now.” His voice was low. “He’d never forgive me if he found out. So even if we were legit together, it would be wrong.”

The words sank in, and her eyes began to burn. She turned away, not wanting him to see her wipe her eyes. She found Max.

She stumbled up to him. “Dance with me?”

She pulled him into the group of people dancing, careful to stay within Johnny’s eyeshot. Becca grinded into Max’s leg, and ran her hands along his neck.

“I like you so much. I’m so glad we’re together.”

She kissed him, and then turned around so her back was on his chest and her hand still on his neck. Johnny looked at her and quickly turned away.

“We should go somewhere,” said Becca, tugging on Max’s collar. “I want you so bad right now.”

He hesitated, and then gave a nod. “Okay, let’s go.”

She pulled him down so she could talk into his ear. “Why don’t you go to the supply room and I’ll meet you there? It’ll be less obvious, and we won’t get interrupted.”

He shrugged. “Okay, whatever.”

She waited for him to go, and then tapped Susan on the shoulder. “Hey, Susie! Love your hair!”

“Thanks!”

“No problem.” Then she pulled Johnny toward her and said as quietly as she could so that he could hear, “Meet me in the supply room in three minutes.”

“What? Becca, no—”

She nodded and went off to meet Max.

“Mmm,” she said, when she closed the door behind her. “You look so sexy right now.”

“You, too. Come here.”

She had to make this fast, so everything would happen at just the right time. She pulled him close to her. “I want you now.”

He lifted her easily, and she leaned on one of the shelves. Only a minute later, they were in the throes of passion and Johnny walked in. Becca screamed and pulled Max closer.

“Whoa, sorry,” Johnny said, and then he closed the door. But not before giving Becca the look she’d been hoping for.

Jealousy.

“Are you going to the Halloween Ball?” Becca buffed her nails and idly made conversation with Dana.

Becca was not entirely sure how to feel about Dana. Ever since she’d been hanging out with her, Dana was getting attention. No one seemed to notice that it was entirely because of Becca, and that clearly that meant that she held all the power in the school. All they seemed to notice was Dana.

She was pretty, and lately she had more confidence. Becca knew better than anyone that this was a dynamic duo of traits. Dana was also pretty quiet, but had been sent here after some kind of weird bipolar flip out at a teacher at her old school. Becca had zoned out while Dana was telling her.

“Oh … no, I don’t have a date.”

“Do you want to go?”

“Maybe … I’ve never been.”

“Oh, that’s pathetic. You’ve been here since freshman year and you haven’t been?”

Dana shook her head.

“I’m going to get you a date.”

“No, I don’t want a pity date, really.”

“You’re already getting my pity. I’m just going to ask Johnny if he wants to take you.”

That would only make Becca look less interested. Maybe then he’d actually try to go for her.

“Johnny Parker?”

“Yup.” That way he wouldn’t get a real date.

“He’d never want to go with me probably. He’s gorgeous and smart and everything. He could get anyone.”

“Okay, yeah, obviously, but that’s why I’m setting it up. He’ll go with you.”

A smile stretched across Dana’s face, and her eyebrows flickered a little. “That’d be cool, I guess—but only if he wants to go.”

“Meanwhile,” she said with a sigh, “Max and I are just madly in love.”

She did this often with Dana. She would sit down and talk at her, making her relationship sound perfect, and the rest of her life sound enviable. She would never tell Dana that she, too, had bad experiences in her past that had landed her here. She definitely wouldn’t tell her about the one thing that had pretty much bought her ticket.

As far as Dana or anyone else for the rest of her life needed to know, Becca was perfect and her life was charmed.

“That’s good that everything is good with you guys,” Dana said, and took a sip from a glass of water she had next to her bed.

“It is good. We’re getting pretty serious. I’m a little worried he likes me too much.”

Lie.

“Really?”

There was a knock on the door.

“Can you get that?” Becca looked hopefully at Dana.

Dana pulled open the door to reveal Madison and Julia.

They both cooed a hello, and Becca smiled superficially. “Come on in—I was just telling Dana about how Max might be falling too hard for me.”

“You think so?” Madison asked eagerly, sitting down in Becca’s chair.

Julia sat on the desk, partially obscuring Dana.

“Yes, I’m totally serious. He pulled me out of the party the other night at the boathouse, and told me he had to talk to me … he was worried I was going to leave him for some other guy, you know, and then he took my hand—” she smiled as she watched everyone’s eyes get bigger “—and told me he never wanted us to end.”

Lie.

Madison and Julia aahed together.

“That is so sweet,” Madison said, her hand over her heart.

“I know. He says this kind of thing all the time. And about how, like, he wants to get married one day and we’ll have a big house on a beach that doesn’t suck like this one.”

Lie.

They laughed. Dana looked down at her fingers and said nothing. Whatever, Becca thought, she’s not the most important one to pass the information along to anyway. Madison and Julia were bound to tell everyone how completely all about her he was.

Dana didn’t matter at all.

chapter 12 me

I’D TAKEN TO SPENDING EVEN LESS TIME IN MY room than before. Rather than be in there, I even studied on the way to the senior study room.

“Look at you, getting your homework done.”

I looked up from my book. I’d been reading and walking, and hadn’t noticed Johnny walking toward me.

“Yes, I actually do my homework,” I said. Johnny was never to be seen with any assigned books or even a pencil. I constantly felt I was going to discover he was just a maintenance guy masquerading as a student.

“I do homework. I just do it last minute. That way I spend as little time on it as possible.” He smiled, and leaned against the wall.

I laughed.

He smiled. “So, new girl, you want to go to the ball with me?”

If I’d been a cartoon, my eyes would have popped out of my head and I’d have done a double take. “Are you … What?”

There was no real reason why I shouldn’t. He was hot. He was nice to me. Everyone told me to stay away from him and Max, but since Max had almost completely ignored me lately, all of my hopes in that direction had died.

When I hesitated, Johnny said, “You’re not with anyone, right?”

“No, no, I’m not….”

“It can be just as friends if you want. I just think it would be fun to go with you.” He shrugged.

I scrambled for an answer. “Um. Okay. Sure. Yes. Let’s do it.”

“Four kinds of ‘yes,’ that’ll work.”

I gave a nervous laugh, thinking now about what people would say when they found out. I liked the idea of rebelling against them, but I wasn’t usually a rebel—and therefore wasn’t sure I had the stomach for it.

“All right, you go do your homework. I’ll talk to you about the plan later.”

An hour after I arrived in the study room, the door opened. All at once my heart jumped out of my chest, and my stomach melted into my shoes.

“Hey,” said Max. “You are here. Blake said you might be.” He shut the door behind him. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere.”

It felt like another dream. “You, um, you have?”

He nodded. “I even asked Dana if you were in your room. She didn’t give me an answer though. Just glared at me.”

“Well, I’m here,” I said, unnecessarily.

Max sat down in the chair opposite me. “What are you reading?”

“Taming of the Shrew.”

“Ha, I can relate to that guy’s struggle.” He cleared his throat. “We haven’t really talked in a while.”

“Yeah, I know.” My heartbeat accelerated.

“I, um … I wanted to ask you if maybe you’d want to go with me to the ball?”

I froze. I was so shocked that I couldn’t help but be honest. “We’ve hardly ever even talked.”

“I know, I know.” He shifted his weight. “I know. But I thought you might want to go with me anyway.” He shook his head slightly, as if his words hadn’t come out properly.

I could tell Johnny to forget it. It’d be mean. But I wanted to.

“Unless you’re already going with someone,” he added.

“I am.” The disappointment was tingling in my every nerve. If only I hadn’t run into Johnny. Why had I said yes?

“Ah. I’m not surprised.”

I didn’t know what to say. My chest was constricted, and no words would come to my mind besides profane ones.

“But we should be friends. You know? I just wanted to go as friends anyway.” He straightened up.

“Right, friends, sure. We can still do that without the ball. Right?”

“Yeah. So I’ll see you soon. The ball I guess.” He gave a small smile and turned to go.

“Yeah. I’ll see you then.”

“You mind if I ask who you’re going with?”

“Johnny Parker.”

His face drained of expression.

“Are you guys together?”

“No, not at all.”

He nodded. “All right, well, I’ll see you around.”

I wanted to scream. I wanted to kick something. He’d asked me. Max asked me. And I’d said no. But then he’d said he wanted to go as friends. My brain was doing cartwheels. I dragged my feet back to my room. There was no way I could keep reading.

“Oh, my God, you’re going with Johnny?”

Madison and Julia burst into my room without knocking and spewed the question at me.

Dana, who was of course reading a book and pretending I wasn’t in the room, glared at me. “Johnny Parker?”

“Of course Johnny Parker,” said Madison.

Dana was still staring at me blankly, but with that look in her eye I’d seen in Dr. Morgan’s office.

“I’m so glad you’re not upset that Max didn’t ask you. I mean, he is still totally in love with Becca.” Julia sat down on my desk and looked pityingly at me.

“He did ask me,” I said, enjoying the looks on their faces. “But I had already said yes to Johnny.”

Dana was still staring at me.

Neither Madison nor Julia said anything right away. Finally Julia smiled, and said, “I mean, we did tell you not to go after him. His feelings for Becca … I mean …”

I breathed deeply. “I didn’t go after him. And also it doesn’t really matter. He’s no one’s property.”

Another brief silence, and then Madison said, “Great! That’s so great. Um, so, what are you going as?”

“I have no idea. I was thinking I might have to have my mom send me something I have at home, I have no clue what I’m gonna wear.”

Madison smiled. “I’m sure you’ll figure something out. You have two weeks after all.”

“Could you guys finish up or go somewhere else? I’m going to sleep.” Dana said it without apology.

Madison and Julia left with a quick goodbye to me.

As soon as they were gone, Dana asked, “You need a costume for the Halloween Ball?”

“I don’t have anything yet, no.” My tone was short and sharp, and I dug through my dresser drawer to find my pajamas.

“I might have something you can use.”

“No, thanks.”

“No really,” she said earnestly, her face paler than I’d ever seen it. “I think it’ll suit you. And I’m not going.”

I wasn’t sure if this was an olive branch she was extending or a trap. But I couldn’t imagine how it could be the latter.

Dana pulled something from her closet. “Here, it’s a Marilyn Monroe dress.” She shrugged. “Wear it if you want to.”

I hesitated and then took the package. “If I can’t find anything else.”

Two weeks later, Halloween night

It was 6:57 p.m. Four hours ago, I’d been in the front hall, waiting for the last shipment of mail to come in. There was no package for me. That meant no Snow White costume. I’d ordered it forever ago and paid for faster shipping.

After digging through my closet for an hour and trying to assemble something, I had to give up. Anything I’d do would look stupid and incredibly homemade. I didn’t even have a nice dress to wear.

And then Dana reminded me of her offer. I took her up on it, and wore her extra costume. I had no choice. It was that or go as Daisy Duke.

“Dammit,” I muttered, looking everywhere for the white sandals I’d set out. Finally I found them, underneath a pillow I had tossed aside in my search for them.

Dana was still in the room, silently watching me scurry. “You look good.”

I swiped aside my sandy-not-platinum-blond hair from my eyes and threw on my coat for the walk to the dining hall.

I was confident. I felt good about myself for the first time in a while. I looked pretty good, if I did say so myself, and hoped Max would think so. I cringed a little as I wondered if he’d gotten another date. I cringed again at the fact that Johnny, my actual date, was not the one that I thought of first.

And what about Dana? Maybe she wasn’t so bad after all. She had probably just lashed out because of her grief and was now trying to make up for it. I could forgive the awful things she’d said if she was trying to make up for them.

Johnny was waiting for me outside the dorm door.

“You look great,” he said.

“You haven’t even seen my costume yet.” I smiled. “But thanks, you look good, too.” He was wearing a normal tuxedo. I’d heard that that was what most of the guys did. We walked down the stairs. “I’m sorry I’m late. It’s a fatal flaw of mine.”

“No problem, that’s a flaw in most girls.” He smiled and gave me a wink.

The dining hall looked odd now that it had been cleared of its tables, chairs, food and surly employees. It was now darker than I’d ever seen it, with blue lights darting around the ceiling and walls while bass-heavy music filled the air and shook the marble floors. Everyone in costumes, in a place that should be familiar but was not, made it seem surreal. In the dim light it wasn’t obvious who anyone really was. There were people in masks left and right, people with blood pouring from drawn-on wounds, zombies, ghosts, princesses, aliens and then me. I turned and jumped when I saw that Johnny had put on a Jason mask.

“God, that’s awful,” I said, laying a hand over my chest.

I couldn’t see his face, but he had paused and was looking at me. “Are you taking off your coat?”

“Not yet, I’m freezing.”

It wasn’t strictly true. The problem was that I suddenly had no desire to unveil my costume. The dress was revealing and I had no confidence in it. It had not really struck me that I’d have to wear the costume in front of everyone. They’d think I was being a show-off—or trying to be. Someone else would probably even be wearing the same dress, and I’d pale in comparison. It felt more and more like the worst idea. Everyone already looked at me like I was an idiot. What would they do when they saw my dark blond hair barely holding a curl and a dress that gaped a little where bigger boobs should be?

“You’re going to get hot in here.”

“Oh, I’ll be fine.”

Johnny shrugged and led me through the crowd. My heart skipped as I laid eyes on Max. He was wearing a suit that looked prohibitionist-era, and it suited him perfectly. I smiled and waved at him, noticing that he was with Cam and Blake.