THE PINK BECCA SHIRTS WOULDN’T GO AWAY. Particularly when Valentine’s Day rolled around. I just wore my uniform, making me stand out even more than usual. I kind of wished the administration would ban those shirts, but apparently they didn’t mind.

Everyone’s minds were on love, and so that’s most of what people were talking about. Every time I heard the words love, perfect or romantic I wanted to punch something. Perhaps because every time I heard those words I, and everyone else, thought of Becca and Max.

I’d heard so much about how “perfect,” “in love” and “romantic” they were. I knew they were “adorable together.” So when the words were flying around like cupid’s arrows, I felt like all I could do was duck for cover.

Max and I were not speaking. He asked to talk to me a few times, but I couldn’t bear to be told again that he just couldn’t be with me. I’d heard that enough. I also resisted the urge to ask him what he and Becca had done last year. Probably flown off to Paris and fed each other chocolate croissants while getting silly and light-headed off mimosas.

I headed to the Black Box Theater in the art department, where they were airing a movie about romance in Paris.

I passed by Susan Tobias, who said nothing to me. She tossed her long, straight blond hair over her shoulder. It did look a lot like Becca’s hair.

No one was in the theater, but the lights were down, and the movie had just started to flicker on. I could hardly see around me. I sighed, feeling more lonely and pitiful than ever, and sat down in one of the seats.

The movie was slow, overacted and impossible to pay attention to. I hadn’t even been tired, but I found myself falling asleep. At a certain point, I realized I didn’t even know what the plot was. I was just watching this woman have emotions about something or other.

Then, quite suddenly, the lonely woman in her flat vanished and was quickly replaced by—what looked like—burning paper, and then a white screen. It stayed that way.

I looked around. I got up and looked in the projector box. The guy running the projector was gone.

My Valentine’s Day date with myself even sucked. I trudged sadly up the stairs and into my hall.

It was filled with people, going in and out of rooms, laughing and dancing, looking woozy, making out, and/or fighting. Like any good party. Almost all of these things came to a halt as I rounded the corner.

Like any Manderley party.

Madison and Julia, never to be seen far from each other, came over to greet me.

“Hey, where have you been? All the guys snuck over while they changed the tapes in the security office.” Madison smiled genuinely.

“I didn’t know anything was going on. I was just downstairs.”

“Oh, well, yeah it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment … thing.”

Right. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Anyway … Max seems a little down,” Madison whispered to me.

“Does he?”

Julia nodded. “Yeah, he probably feels guilty, because he knows he shouldn’t have … you know.”

“Shouldn’t have what?”

“You guys … everyone said you were in his room … he probably just feels guilty ‘cuz he did that.”

“What am I doing, Madison?” It was Max.

She cowered under his glare. It was obvious she regretted saying anything. She shook her head, looking sorry.

“No, go ahead,” Max went on. “What am I doing? Furthermore, what horrible thing could I do that she didn’t?”

It was quiet around us as people listened. We all knew who she was.

“Nothing. I’m sorry.” Madison was struggling to keep her words and voice steady.

Dana crept, as always, from some unseen corner. “She can make up for it when she comes back. Especially after everything she’s done in the past … Oh, how long has it been now?”

“Shut up, Dana.”

I saw Johnny coming through the crowd. Good. He was always good at calming Dana down.

“I mean I’m just saying, things will change when she’s back, won’t they? It won’t matter what she did last year or what you’ve … chosen to do in the interim.” She looked at me.

“Maybe he actually likes me,” I said. “Have you ever thought of that?”

I was hot in the cheeks, and I just wanted to yell at Dana. This desire heightened when she started to laugh. Everyone was listening now. Johnny put a hand on her shoulder, but she swatted him away.

“You are kidding me, right?” She looked gleeful.

“No, I mean he is choosing to spend time with me, isn’t he? If he was just moping around he could do that alone. He doesn’t need me for that.”

“Is he with you?” she asked, looking skyward as if puzzling it out. “Because I thought you weren’t actually his girlfriend. Couldn’t give you that label, isn’t that right? Why do you think that is?”

No, he hadn’t. And she knew it. We never were actually together. I said nothing, but felt my cheeks go redder.

“Dana, cool it, okay?” Johnny’s voice was low and personal. “You can’t keep attacking her.”

“You really can’t.” This came from someone I didn’t expect. Julia.

Dana looked as surprised as I felt for a second, but collected herself.

“Oh, see, there it is. I always said you weren’t her best friend. You and Madison always thought you were, but when it comes down to it, you really aren’t, are you?”

Johnny took hold of Dana’s shoulders. “Come on, that’s enough.”

He took her back to our room, a place I really didn’t want to go back to.

Then, as if he’d read my mind, Max asked Julia, “Can she sleep in your room tonight?”

“No, no, it’s—” I began.

“Of course she can,” Julia said. “I still have the futon that Bec—”

She stopped herself, and Madison took over. “Yes, you can come sleep in our room whenever you want.”

“If that’s really okay.”

“Of course.”

Julia walked over and pulled out a rolled-up cushion from her closet and gave me a pile of blankets. She was just handing me a pillow when Madison emerged from the bathroom.

“I think I have f-food poisoning or something,” Madison suddenly hiccupped and ran into the bathroom.

“Uh-huh.” Julia rolled her eyes and got into her own bed. “I’m going to sleep. Don’t step on our guest next time your ‘food poisoning’ says hello.”

Max nudged me in the arm. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

“I guess.”

I followed him back out of the room and down to the end of the hall, which was darker.

“I’m sorry.”

I almost said that I didn’t care how sorry he was, when I saw the look in his eyes.

“It’s okay,” I said. “I get it.”

“I wish we’d hung out tonight.”

I shrugged. “It’s just another day. Whatever.”

“Yeah. Well. I wanted to give you something.” He reached in his pocket and laughed quietly. “It’s really stupid. But I got my mom to help me with it over winter break. She used to own a jewelry store. I wanted to give it to you, but I didn’t know if I should. Or when, or whatever.”

He pulled out a small, delicate-looking bracelet from his pocket. It was black ribbon with a silver plaque in the middle, flanked by a pearl on either side. It had a small, silver clasp. He handed it to me and then ran a hand through his hair, looking embarrassed.

On the plaque, my name had been engraved.

“All the girls wear pearls here. I don’t know, I just thought it was right that you should have some hint of Manderley on you, but … you’re different, so I didn’t want to just give you pearls.”

“It’s so pretty. It’s gorgeous. Thank you, Max.” I couldn’t even believe that it was really happening. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to have it. Here, I can help you.”

I held out my wrist and he clasped the bracelet for me. “Thank you,” I said.

He shrugged again. After a second he said, “I’m going to sleep. So, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow or something?”

“Okay. Good night.”

“Night.”

We walked in our separate directions. A moment later, he caught up to me, turned me around and kissed me.

“Happy Valentine’s Day.” He smiled, and then walked out of the hall.

chapter 24 becca

“OH, MY GOD, IT’S GORGEOUS!”

“Isn’t it?”

“I can’t believe Max bought it for you! It’s got to be expensive. I mean I know he’s got money, but still—it’s so nice!”

“Yeah, and look what he engraved on the back.” Becca turned over the locket and showed it to Madison and Julia.

“To Eternal Love,” read Madison. “Oh, my God! That’s so sappy! It’s crazy how he is with you. He’s so not like that!”

“Yeah, well.” Becca returned the necklace to her neck. “He wanted to spend the day with me today, but I couldn’t lead him on like that. Especially on Valentine’s Day.”

She sipped her lobster bisque.

“Wow, he’s so hung up on you, I can’t believe it,” Julia said.

“Oh, my God, you guys.”

Julia and Becca looked at Madison, and then followed her gaze out the window. It was Max. He was sitting on a bench, leaning on his knees.

Had Becca’s words come true?

“Oh, I’ll go talk to him.” She rolled her eyes, like she’d just been waiting for this. But she hadn’t. In fact she was downright shocked to see him.

“Max?” she said when she walked outside.

“Sit down.”

She did as he said. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“Let me see your necklace.”

“Max—”

“Let me see the necklace, Becca.”

She removed it, hesitantly, and gave it to him. She watched as he read the inscription on the back.

“I just—” she began.

“Stop. Just … stop. I didn’t give this to you, and now I’m wondering why the rumors going around all have to do with my undying love and how I’m obsessively buying you gifts.”

She was all too aware of how they must look to Madison and Julia, who could surely see them on the bench.

“I’m sorry, Max. Please. Just let everyone think that I wasn’t dumped.” She looked at him with pleading eyes.

“Why should I do that?”

“Because I just don’t know what I’ll do. Please. I’ll stop. This’ll be the last time. But please don’t tell anyone anything.”

Max and she were done. He’d ended that. She was no longer part of the golden couple.

But she and Johnny were done, too. That, however, had been ended by her. She just couldn’t be with him. Dana was her friend. And Becca had never been a real friend to anyone. She had to do this for her. She couldn’t be with the one guy Dana had feelings for. It just didn’t feel right.

“Please,” said Becca again. “I just can’t look like that big a loser.”

“You’re not a loser, everyone likes you.”

She shook her head. “I just can’t have everyone looking at me like I should be embarrassed. Please.”

She looked him in the eye, and tried to show him how much she needed this.

“Fine,” he said. “But this is the last thing.”

chapter 25 me

ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END. I HATE when that stupid expression is right.

The first time I realized this was when I went to my room the next afternoon and saw the word WHORE written across the small mirror I had on my side of the room. I found that it was written in my permanent markers, and had to throw the whole thing away.

Over the next few days, the looks and whispers about me got louder and more frequent. Even Madison and Julia seemed a little chilly toward me, and just as they had started being so kind to me, too.

Madison asked, “Why didn’t you tell us you guys had sex?”

My insistence that we didn’t fell on deaf ears each time someone new brought it up. Blake swore she hadn’t said anything, and I had to believe her. I had to feel like someone here had my back.

Max did as I asked, and denied it to everyone. It hadn’t taken long for him to fall out of the hearts of everyone. Everyone seemed disappointed in him. He didn’t care. He just kept asking me if I was okay. He said he’d do anything he could to make them stop.

Over the coming month, the weather remained cold and biting. The snow was deep and thick, sometimes sharp and icy. There was one time of day when the sun shone enough through my window that when I lay in bed, I could almost pretend that it was warm outside.

One night, halfway through March, I’d been lying in bed reading The Crucible, when the witch in my own room shrieked very suddenly, “Will you turn off that light, I can’t sleep!”

She’d been in a bad mood for weeks. It seemed that she thought Becca owed her more than just one quick visit.

I was unable to summon a civilized response, so I put on my flip-flops and a sweatshirt and went out of the room with my book. I left the light on just to be a jerk.

I headed to the dining hall for some hot chocolate. It was empty, except for one person.

“Johnny,” I said, walking over to him.

The enormous hall felt even bigger and more echoing without all the usual voices and bodies filling it.

“What are you doing up?” He looked at me, and then at my pajamas and shoes.

“I’ve been kicked out of my room because I had the light on.”

“Really?”

“She’s been really upset lately.”

He nodded, and looked concerned. “Like, how upset?”

“I dunno. Just moody as far as I can tell.” I sat down next to him. “What are you doing down here?”

“Couldn’t sleep. I’ve been having trouble lately. I don’t know why.”

I could see it all over his face. His eyes were dark and sunken, and his hair was tousled in a very Axe commercial type way.

“I’ve been having trouble this semester, too. Though in part that could be due to Dana screaming at me for reading and singing to herself in the middle of the night like someone out of a Hitchcock movie.”

“Singing?”

I shrugged. “Yeah. It was weird.”

“What was she singing?”

“What’s that song … oh, ‘You Are My Sunshine.’”

He stared at me for a second, his smile fading. “That’s weird. That’s really weird.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“No, I mean … that was a joke she and Becca had. Dana used to say something about how …” He screwed up his face, trying to remember. “How Becca was like sunshine because of her hair. I don’t really remember.”

At that bit of creepiness, I couldn’t think of anything to say, except, “I’m going to get some hot chocolate.”

I was grateful that he changed the subject when I came back.

“So where are you going to college?”

“Oh,” I said, “FSU. Florida State University.”

He nodded. “That’s cool, why there?”

“All of my friends are going there.” I thought, with a pang, of Leah. “Sort of been a plan forever.”

He nodded again. “Did you apply anywhere else?”

“Yeah, I got accepted to Boston University.”

“Really?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah.” I laughed. “It’s stupid. I did it on a whim.”

“That’s not stupid, that’s an awesome school.”

“Yeah, I applied in junior year for an early bird kind of thing.”

“I don’t understand then, why are you going somewhere right by your house or with all of your friends? Don’t you want to branch out?”

“I did branch out. I came here. Look how fantastically this went.” I laughed.

“I think you’ve held up extraordinarily well. Don’t you sorta feel like if you can handle all this, you can handle anything?”

I hesitated. “That’s true but … I can’t go to Boston … that’s crazy, I don’t even know why I applied. I could never go somewhere completely alone.”

“Why’s it crazy? Money?”

“No,” I admitted, my voice small. “I got a scholarship.”

He furrowed his eyebrows at me. “You should do it. I mean it. Go somewhere new. Don’t stay so close to home. You’ll go back, and find that they’ve changed—or maybe they haven’t and they should have—or it’ll feel like home isn’t how you remember it. They’ll be different, and you’ll wish you’d met new people.”

“Maybe,” I said. “Maybe I’ll think about it.”

He just leaned back and rested his head on his clasped hands.

Well, since we were getting honest …

“Johnny, can I ask you a personal question?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

I hesitated, and then went for it. “Were you … in love with her?”

“Who, Dana? I liked her a lot. Once upon a time. I don’t know. I had a thing for her the whole time I knew her, but Becca got here and then told me Dana didn’t like me at all. Not even like a friend. So, I guess I gave up.”

I stared at him. “I—I meant Becca.”

He raised his eyebrows and cleared his throat. “Oh. Oh. No. I wasn’t in love with her.”

I was still reeling at the idea of anyone having feelings for Dana. It was so impossible to imagine her as anything other than mostly crazy.

“Max told me you and Becca were hooking up. And it just didn’t seem like you to do that to your best friend.”

He looked at me, and seemed to make a decision before answering. “I don’t know what we were. She was hard to read. I couldn’t tell if she actually liked me or just loved the illicitness of what we were doing. I hated myself the whole time, but I just couldn’t pull myself away from her.”

“What was it about her?”

“I honestly don’t know. I know why she was fun and why she was exciting. But I can’t figure out why I felt so strongly about her. I think I just believed there was more to her than that. And I think she felt something for me. I really do. She must have. And if there was more to her … I don’t know, she went missing before I really got to find out.”

I looked at him, and saw in his eyes that he had really cared about her.

“Well, I should go up to bed,” Johnny said suddenly, rising.

“Oh, okay, yeah. It was nice running into you.”

“You, too.”

He gave me a weary smile, and left. He’d had feelings for Dana.

Huh.

I got up to my room, which was blessedly empty. I opened the window and breathed in the air. It was a little chilly, but I wanted to feel the breeze and hear the sounds of outside.

I sat on my bed for a few minutes, thinking of what Johnny had said and listening to the wind. I kicked off my shoes and looked at the floor. There was a thumbtack there, left over from one of Dana’s and my fights. I reached down to get it and spotted the Louis Vuitton suitcase under the bed that I’d grown to ignore.

An idea struck me.

Dana wasn’t here. I could look inside it. For what, I wasn’t sure. But I was curious.

I locked the door. Dana had a key, but at least I’d hear her coming and could push it back under the bed. I did not want her knowing that I had touched precious Becca’s precious stuff.

I crouched down on the floor and slid the case out. It was strange to touch something of hers. I unzipped it and pulled up the top.

Right on top was a jewelry box. It was silver and heavy. I sifted through the tangle of delicate chains and charms that lay in it. I spotted a silver necklace with half of a heart. It looked like the best friend necklaces that Leah and I had worn as kids, but it was heavier and shinier and had a diamond. Clearly, it had not been bought for twenty-five cents from the toy machine at the grocery store. Leah and I had spent all of our money, a whole dollar each, when we were six as we tried to get the set of necklaces. We ended up with a bunch of plastic spider rings and Mickey Mouse tattoos before finally getting them. When we had, they felt hard-won.

I remembered now that I’d thought of this last September. I had seen what must be this necklace’s other half hanging from Dana’s neck. I shut the jewelry box. As I did, the door behind me rattled—Dana and her key. I threw the suitcase shut, and shoved it back under the bed. I was sitting back on my bed, my heart pounding, when Dana stepped into the room.

She looked at me, with my approximation of relaxation, and her already narrow eyes turned to mere slits.

Feeling panicky, I said hello. Like I never do.

Dana shut the door and stepped in. She looked at me for another few seconds before her gaze dropped down to the suitcase, and my stomach plummeted with guilt. And then Dana did something I did not expect. She smiled.

“You’re curious about her.”

I shook my head. “What?”

“It’s okay. We can look together.”

I couldn’t move. It was like my dream about Becca all over again. I was paralyzed as a strange scene unfolded before me. I watched as Dana pulled the suitcase back out, much more slowly and ceremoniously than I had done.

“Come here,” she said in a whisper. When I didn’t move, she looked at me and spoke a little louder. “Come here.”

I was shaking. I suddenly did not want to know the secrets that lay within Becca’s things. I didn’t want to see things that she’d seen, any more than I already had. I didn’t want to touch this person’s stuff or look at any more pictures.

“I don’t know why you never asked me before,” said Dana. She sounded kinder than she ever had. It was like she could not remember all the things she’d said to me in the past. “But today, of all days, is a good one to introduce you to her.”

She pulled out the jewelry box and smiled down at it. “I suppose you know what can be found in here. These are mostly gifts from all the boys she dated. Also the other half of this.” She laid a hand over the half of her broken heart. “What you won’t find in here was my other gift to her. I got her a charm bracelet. She was wearing it on the night … but of course she was wearing the locket from Max, too … she always wore that after he gave it to her. ‘To Eternal Love …’ She often wore both necklaces, but that night … just the one you found in the closet at the boathouse …”

Her voice trailed off as her fingers ran gently over all the silver and gold within the box. After a moment, she shut it and set it aside. She sifted through more of her clothes, trinkets and pictures, seemingly gaining her own comfort from looking at them but not saying anything out loud. I wanted to get up and run away. I didn’t want to watch her do this.

She lifted from the suitcase a soft silky slip trimmed with lace. She handled it carefully, as though it might shatter. Before I could stop her, she had raised it to my face, and had run the fabric across my cheek. “Isn’t that the softest thing you’ve ever felt? She bought it to wear for Max. She showed it to me. She wanted to sneak into his room that night, since his roommate had already gone home. But … she never got the chance … She had it laying out on the bed when she …”

Dana pulled it away from my cheek and folded it neatly. She picked up a Polaroid picture I had not seen, and looked lovingly at it. “Look how beautiful.”

Only my eyes moved down to the photograph. It was the same one I’d seen in his room. Max was behind her hugging her with both arms, and looking happier than I had ever seen him in life. He was holding her tighter than he had held me, and they looked closer than I felt I had even imagined being with him. She was laughing and looking away. It was the prettiest I had ever seen her look. She was not posing or trying. She looked like a real person. And that might have been the worst part.

It was one thing when I thought of her as a marble statue, always posed and so very intentionally everything she was. It was another to think of her as most people must, and to imagine that she was probably out there somewhere living and breathing like a real person, Or worse, that she wasn’t. Everyone loved her. Everyone talked about her. Everyone showed it by wearing T-shirts in her name. She must have had something special. It was only me who hated her. Resented her. Envied her.

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