The Rules 2: More Rules to Live and Love By

If he likes you only as a friend, there is nothing you can do about becoming his girlfriend. Don’t try to convince him by having a heart-to-heart talk about your feelings because it will probably put a strain on your friendship. He will feel awkward or sorry for you, but he still won’t feel a spark. He may try a “let’s sleep together” once or twice. But it won’t mean much to him and you, if not both of you, will come to regret it.

Worse yet, the two of you may decide to date or even get married at your initiation. But because he never felt a spark, your marriage will be more of a friendship and if you want more than that you will constantly be unhappy. You will be doubting your looks and your sexuality and complain, “He never notices me.” Your self-confidence really plummets when you sleep with or get involved with a man who only really wanted a friendship. It’s a bad road to travel. Don’t even try it.

Just do The Rules—not to get him to like you since you can’t—but for your self-esteem. Do The Rules so that your whole life isn’t about this unavailable friend. Don’t call him. When he calls, get off the phone in ten minutes. Don’t play therapist when he talks about his girlfriend problems. More important, try to meet other men. You’re better off forcing yourself to go to social events to meet your possible husband than forcing yourself on this friend.

But if you think he may be interested in you, you can casually mention that you’re having boyfriend problems, not seeing your boyfriend anymore or that you’re not dating anyone in particular. See how he reacts. If he’s interested, he’ll ask you out, and then start doing The Rules.

Don’t talk to him like a friend—like Elaine on Seinfeld—but be light, feminine, and mysterious. Don’t tell him all your problems. Don’t start pursuing him with calls, notes, and dinner invitations. Don’t think you can say or do anything you want—call him whenever you feel like it or suddenly try to increase the time you spend together—because you were platonic friends. Concentrate on making your relationship a Rules relationship. Keep in mind, the dynamics will be a little different now. For example, if he’s from out-of-town and used to crashing on your couch when he visits you, now you should be the first to say, “It’s been great, but I have a really big day tomorrow,” and end the evenings first.

Now that you want him, you may be tempted to go to the other extreme—call him all the time, talk about your change of heart, refer to him as your soul mate, talk about marriage or the future—and drive him away. Men don’t like to be overwhelmed, even by women they like.

Many women who wake up one day and decide that their male friend is their soul mate have been known to come on too strong and overwhelm their friend. Remember, part of the reason he liked you is that you didn’t really notice him, and never pursued him! You’ve been a challenge—not because you were trying to do The Rules—but because you were truly not interested. You were naturally indifferent.

Therefore, when you start to date, you must not let the fact that he always liked you stop you from doing certain rules. For example, don’t see him at the last minute or all the time. Don’t start knitting him sweaters or talk about marriage or moving in. Okay, you’ve decided he’s The One. But until he’s decided you’re The One and courts you and proposes, you have to do The Rules—or you might ruin a good thing!

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