Always a Mother

The heat became unbearable so she strolled back to the house, where the air-conditioning cooled her heated emotions. After getting bottled water out of the refrigerator, she went into the bedroom and fished the letters out of her bag. Curling up on the sofa, she untied the worn ribbon and felt as if she was opening a part of her soul.

For a moment she just stared at the letters and wondered why they were so important to her. Every time she and Dean had moved, she’d tucked the letters in a safe spot.

Why?

She wasn’t sure. Maybe it was because they depicted her dedication, her love and her accomplishments as a woman, as a wife and as a mother. Or maybe deep down she knew one day she would need them for guidance and inspiration.

For twenty-five years she’d tried to be the perfect wife and mother. When Sami started school, Claire became a teacher’s aide so she would be close in case the girls needed her. The family had also needed the money.

When she was growing up, her father had wanted her to follow in his footsteps and become a lawyer. That plan was derailed when she became pregnant in high school. But as Claire worked in the school system, her goal had changed. She loved working with kids, mostly the young ones, whose minds were waiting to unfurl with just the right incentives and the guidance of a caring teacher.

As those thoughts ran through her mind, Claire realized she’d forgotten about plans with two friends, Nita and Joan, for tomorrow. They were going to a spa for the works, to celebrate Claire’s return to college full-time. Then they were meeting the guys for dinner.

She reached for her cell, but just fiddled with it, unsure of what to say. “Guess what? I’m pregnant.” Even though her friends would understand, she wasn’t up to saying those words yet. When she was stronger, she’d call and cancel.

So many times she’d tried to go to college to get her degree, so she could teach instead of being an aide, but life’s crises kept getting in the way. Now that their youngest daughter had graduated, Claire was ready to embark on her own career, fulfill her dream.

But now…

She slipped a finger beneath the flap of an envelope. What had her life been about? What had kept her from getting her degree before now? As she unfolded a letter, her body trembled with old fears. Each page was filled with I love you’s and plans for the future. Wonderful plans that only a teenager could believe.

Jan 9, 1983

My darling Dean,

I haven’t seen you in two days and I feel alone, so I close my eyes and I can see you. Your dark hair curls into your collar and I remember the texture, the feel of it against my fingers. And I see your smile, that lazy grin that makes me warm all over. But your eyes are what comfort me. Those soft, caring blue eyes that tease me, tempt me and make me a little crazy. I love you so much…

In a trancelike state, she glanced through the floor-to-ceiling windows to the view of the lake. Her parents had forbidden her to see Dean. He wasn’t the type of boy she should be dating. His mother was a waitress and not up to the Thornton standards for friends and acquaintances. Dean had no future. He was a football jock who would be washed up before his time. Claire deserved better, her father had said, and though she might not agree then, she would thank him later.

As a teenager, those words hadn’t meant much to her. All she knew was how Dean made her feel. Ever since third grade she thought he was wonderful, even when he untied her bows. In junior high they’d become an item, and that had never changed all through high school.

They couldn’t date, but found ways to be together, especially after they started driving. Most of the time they talked, laughed and made out like other teenagers. In their senior year their emotions became heated and they gave in to temptation.

The first time was in Dean’s car after a dance. Claire cried and so did he, but it had been the most beautiful experience of her life. She and Dean were now part of each other and nothing could keep them apart.

In the weeks that followed they stole moments after football games, met in the park, after school and on weekends at their secret place—Dean’s house while his mother worked. It didn’t matter that they were sneaking around. They were together, that was all that was important. Until…

She’d missed her period and she was nervous. They’d been so careful. Another week and she knew she had to tell Dean.

March 10, 1983

CLAIRE HUNG AROUND the gym, trying not to bite her nails as she waited for basketball practice to end and then waited again while Dean showered and changed clothes. He came out of the locker room smiling, and all she wanted to do was kiss him.

“Hey. I didn’t expect to see you tonight,” he said, walking toward her with his easy swagger in his letterman jacket and jeans.

“I have to talk to you.” She couldn’t keep the panic out of her voice.

He took her arm and led her out of the gym to the parking lot. “What is it? Did your parents find out?”

She shook her head.

A couple of guys from the team came out and waved to them.

Dean pulled her close to his side. His masculine scent mingling with fresh soap did a number on her senses. “Well, then, everything’s okay. Let’s go some place where it’s quieter.”

With self-control she pushed away. “No. We’ve done too much of that.”

He frowned. “What? Make love?”

“Yes.” She looked directly at him in the glow of the parking lot lights.

“Claire.” He tried to take her in his arms and she stepped back.

“I’m pregnant.”

There was total silence. A car honked and a girl’s laughter carried on the wind.

He frowned. “What?”

“I missed my period and I know I’m pregnant. What are we going to do?”

“But how? We’ve used protection every time, and it’s been hell getting condoms. Jarrod’s older brother buys them and he charges me double. But at least I don’t have to go into a store to get them.”

“Evidently sometimes condoms don’t work.”

“God.” He ran a hand through his hair. “This can’t be happening.”

“I know. We had it all planned. You’re going to the University of Texas on a football scholarship and I’m enrolling there, too. We were finally going to be together without sneaking around.”

He sucked in a deep breath. “Okay. We’re both eighteen, so we’ll get married and continue with our plans.”

“On what? When my parents find out I’m pregnant, they’ll disown me. They don’t even know I’ve been seeing you.”

“Then we’ll make it on our own.”

“Dean, be realistic. We’ll have a child to raise and we’ll both have to find jobs.”

He slipped his arms around her and held her close. “Don’t panic. Whatever happens, I’ll be here for you and the baby. I’m not running out on you like my dad ran out on my mom and me. First, make an appointment with the doctor and let’s find out for sure.”

She trailed her hands to the strong column of his neck, needing to touch his skin. She kissed his ear, his jaw, and felt his muscles tighten.

“I love you,” she whispered.

Cupping her face with both hands, he ran his tongue over her lips. “I love you, too. And we’ll face this together. If you’re pregnant, we’ll have to tell your parents.”

She winced. “It’s going to be an ugly scene.”

“Yeah.” He kissed her deeply and she clung to him.

The March wind blew against them, but they kept holding on to each other. Holding on to the now, the present, their love. In the days to come their love would be tested, and neither knew if it would survive the pressures of the outside world.

CHAPTER TWO

A Week Later…

THEY SAT IN THE DOCTOR’S office waiting for the result of the pregnancy test. Dean had skipped basketball practice, and Claire loved him all the more for that. She couldn’t face this alone.

The nurse called them into a small room and they waited some more.

“Are you nervous?” Dean asked, clutching Claire’s hand.

“A little.”

“Me, too.”

The doctor came in with a folder and sat at his desk.

“Dr. Miller, this is Dean Rennels, my boyfriend.”

“Nice to meet you, son.” They shook hands. “I’ve seen you play football. Very impressive.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“I’m glad you’re with Claire today.” He glanced at the contents in the folder. “The test is positive. You’re pregnant—about two months. The baby should be born in late September.”

Her heart fell to the pit of her stomach and for a moment she couldn’t breathe. Dean turned a sickly white. The silence told its own story—two young people caught between love and reality, without a clue as to the difference.

Dr. Miller closed the folder. “I can see this is a shock. I always tell women they have three choices—abortion, adoption or acceptance. It’s your decision, Claire.”

Abortion! She couldn’t kill their baby. Nor could she give it up for adoption. That left acceptance. She swallowed hard, words congealing with the bile in her throat.

Dean stood. “We’re getting married, sir.”

“I see.” Dr. Miller looked at Claire. “Do your parents know this?”

“No, and I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t mention it until I do.”

The doctor fidgeted. “My wife was here the day you came in for the test. When she saw your mom at the club, she casually mentioned she’d seen you. Dorian spoke out of turn and I’m sorry for that. I would never divulge your situation.”

“How could she?” The Millers and her parents belonged to the same country club. Claire had seen the doctor’s wife that day and never dreamed she’d say anything to her mother. That was three days ago and her mom hadn’t said a word. Why?

“Dorian just thought you were in for a checkup. I’m so sorry.”

Claire rose on shaky legs. “It doesn’t matter. It’s not going to remain a secret long.”

Once they were in the hall, she was shaking so violently that Dean pulled her into a small waiting area to sit down.

“Are you okay?”

She had to take several deep breaths. “What are we going to do?”

“Get married like we planned.”

“What about college?”

“We’ll manage.” He rubbed her arm and his touch instilled a sense of calm in her. “We’ll take one day at a time. I’ll get a marriage license as soon as possible.”

She blinked back a tear. Her parents had such dreams for their only child’s wedding. Through tears she looked at him. “If I didn’t love you so much, I’d hate you.”

He winced. “I’m sorry. I didn’t plan this, either.”

“I know.”

“I’m glad we’re keeping the baby,” he murmured.

“Could you live with yourself if we did anything different?”

“No.” His eyes caught hers. “We love each other. We’ll make it.”

“Do you believe love is enough?”

He nodded. “Yes.”

“Then I do, too.”

She placed her hand in his, along with her heart and her life. Together they walked out of the building. At her car he kissed her, and she knew they were going to be okay. Then out of the corner of her eye she saw her dad’s Lincoln.

“Oh my God.”

“What?”

“There’s my dad.”

The car screeched to a stop a few feet from them. Both her parents got out.

“Get away from my daughter,” Robert Thornton shouted at Dean, his face red with anger.

Dean didn’t budge. “Claire and I are getting married.”

“Like hell.” Robert loosened his tie and jerked it off.

“Dad, please,” Claire begged. “We’re in love and…and I’m pregnant.”

Her mother, Gwen, gasped.

“You bastard. I’ll kill you for this.” Robert took a step toward Dean, but Gwen caught his arm. “Robert, watch your temper.”

Her father sucked in a breath. “Get in the car, Claire.”

“Dad…”

“Get in the car or I’m calling the cops and having this bastard arrested. Your choice.”

“Please, Claire, let’s go home,” her mother pleaded.

There was nothing Claire could do. For now she had to follow her parents’ instructions. She looked back at Dean’s shattered expression and her heart broke. Would she ever see him again?

In the Thornton Home…

CLAIRE SAT LISTENING to everything she’d done wrong. A numbness settled over her body—a numbness of her spirit and her soul.

She wanted Dean.

She needed Dean.

“How could you, Claire? How could you do this?” her mother asked. “You have your whole life ahead of you and now…” Gwen shook back her blond hair. “I’m just appalled at your blatant disobedience. That boy has been a bad influence on you. You never disobeyed us before you met him.”

“I love him.”

“At your age you don’t even know what love is.” Gwen’s voice rose in anger. “I don’t understand how you can be so smart and yet so dumb.”

Before she could respond, her father came back into the room. “It’s all set for first thing in the morning.”

“What’s all set?” Claire asked.

“I’ve made arrangements to have the baby aborted.”

She felt the blood drain from her face. “No!” she screamed.

“It’s for the best,” her mother said. “You can’t let this ruin your whole life. College is waiting for you. Later you can have all the children you want, and the wedding you’ve dreamed about. You’ll thank us then.”

Claire bit her lip to keep from screaming again and realized there was no point in talking to them. Their minds were made up. Slowly, she trudged upstairs. She curled up on her bed and cried for being so young and stupid.

And she cried for being in love.

After there were no tears left, she rallied her strength. No one was taking this baby from her. She phoned Dean.

“Claire, are you okay?”

“No. I have to get out of here. My father has made an appointment for an abortion in the morning.”

“I’ll be right there.”

“No. After they’re asleep, I’ll call you.”

“Okay.”

“But where will I go?”

“You can stay here with Mom and me. She might be a little ticked off, but she won’t kick us out.”

“Are you sure?”

“Oh, yeah. I know my mom.”

“Dean, I’m scared.”

“Me, too.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

She hung up and reached for pad and pen and wrote Dean a letter, telling him how much she loved him. Putting her fears in writing helped to pass the time.

DEAN WAS WORRIED about Claire—it wasn’t like her to go somewhere without telling him. And why had she taken the letters? As he sat in the den, his mind went back to that first night she’d left home.

March 16, 1983

DEAN PICKED UP CLAIRE right before midnight on the corner of her street. They didn’t talk much. Neither knew if they were doing the right thing.

They made it to Bunny’s before she got home from work. Her shift ended at twelve. When he told his mother what had happened, she exploded, just as he knew she would.

“We’re planning on getting married,” he told her.

“And that’s supposed to solve everything.” In her black-and-white uniform, a pencil behind one ear, Bunny glared at him, her hands on her hips. “I thought I raised you better than this. Protection! I’ve drilled that into your head since you were fourteen years old.”

“We used protection, but it didn’t work. I love Claire and she loves me. I’m getting a marriage license tomorrow. We just need a place to stay.”

Bunny threw up her hands. “Champ, do you think it’s that easy? The Thorntons will be knocking down my door as soon as they discover Claire’s gone.”

“I’m not going back,” Claire said. “They want me to have an abortion.”

“What?” Bunny’s face turned almost as red as her hair.

“We can’t let that happen, Mom. Please help us.”

She rubbed the balls of her hands into her eyes. “Champ, that’s why I have to dye my hair. You’ve turned it almost completely white.”

“Then you’ll let us stay here?”

“Yes.” She pointed a red-tipped finger at Claire. “But you’re sleeping on the sofa.”

“She can have my bed.”

“Then you’re sleeping on the sofa.”

“Don’t you think it’s a little late for that?”

“Those are the rules, champ. And you had better prepare yourself for fireworks in the morning.”

Dean didn’t argue with Bunny. He was glad he and Claire could be together, or at least in the same place. He sat with her for a while and left her reading. Her suitcase was full of books, some of her favorites—Shakespeare, Dickens, Brontë, Austen, Alcott and many more.

Tossing and turning, he couldn’t get comfortable. It wasn’t the lumpy sofa, though. Facing the Thorntons weighed heavily on his mind.

Early the next morning the pounding on the door woke them. “Police, open up.”

Bunny came out of her room, her hair sticking out in all directions. “What the hell?”

Claire hurried out, still in her clothes. She hadn’t undressed and neither had Dean. The beat of his heart sounded like a cymbal in his ears. He reached for her hand and she trembled.

Bunny opened the door.

“Good morning, ma’am,” a police officer said. “I’m looking for Claire Thornton. Is she here?”

“Yes. I’m here,” Claire answered.

Bunny stepped aside. The officer, followed by the Thorntons, entered the house.

“Let’s go, Claire,” Robert said.

Claire shook her head. “No. I’m not going with you.”

“Yes, you are. The officer is here to see that you do.”

“I’m eighteen and I can make my own decisions.”

“Young lady,” the policeman said. “Just get your things and let’s go.”

“I can’t. They want me to have an abortion and I can’t do that.”

The officer looked at Robert.

“Do your damn job,” he snapped.

“I can’t force her. She’s eighteen.”

“I know the police chief.”

“Well, then, you better call him. I was under the impression the young lady was here against her will.”

“She is,” Gwen said. “She doesn’t know what she’s doing.”

“She seems fine to me.”

“Claire, come home. Please,” her mother pleaded. “If you insist on having the baby, we’ll send you up north. It can be adopted by a nice couple.”

Claire’s nails dug into Dean’s palm. “I’m keeping my baby.”

“I’m getting tired of this defiance, Claire,” Robert said, his face turning beet-red. “If you insist on this insanity, I wash my hands of you. Do you want your mother and me completely out of your life?”

Claire swallowed. “I know I’ve disappointed you. I’m sorry, but I can’t change the way I feel. I’m having the baby.”

“That’s it,” Robert said in anger. “If you’re choosing him—” he flung a hand toward Dean “—over us, then you’re on your own. Don’t call us for money or anything. You’re no daughter of mine.”

“Robert.” Gwen grabbed his arm. “No.”

“I said that’s it. Let’s go.”

Gwen followed her husband and the officer out of the room. Claire whimpered deep in her throat. Dean held her tight as heartbroken sobs convulsed through her body. The sound tore at his gut like jagged glass. At that moment he grew up. He was eighteen years old and he was too young for fatherhood. He was too young for this kind of heartache. But he would shoulder it like a man.

DEAN DRAGGED HIS HANDS over his face. How he wished life had been easy after Claire had made that sacrifice, but it hadn’t. She’d worked two jobs, as a clerk at a department store and at night for a fast-food place. He put in countless hours at a record store. They lived with Bunny until practice started for college football. He and Claire moved into college housing and finally had their own place.

Claire carried most of the financial load, since he couldn’t play ball, work and go to school. There were times she didn’t feel well and she still went to work. He felt like the biggest louse that had ever been born. One day, he would make her life better, but there’d been so many obstacles in the way then….

Dean walked into the kitchen. Claire, where are you? He reread the note. She needed to get away. Why? Where did she go when she wanted peace and quiet?

The lake house.

He grabbed his car keys.

CLAIRE SAT CROSS-LEGGED, the letters in her lap. She opened another.

My darling Dean,

I’m so afraid I’m going to have the baby while you’re away on a road trip. I don’t know if I can do this by myself, but I’ll never tell you that. If the time comes and you’re not here, I’ll just close my eyes and picture your loving face, like I always do. I love you, and our baby is going to be perfect—just like you.

She closed her eyes and let herself relive a moment of that fear.

September 24, 1983

“YOU HAVEN’T TOLD DEAN, have you?” Bunny asked, stopping by the dorm to check on her. She always did that when Dean was away. Bunny, with her in-your-face attitude, was a hard person to get to know, but Claire had come to love her dearly.

Claire ran her hand over her protruding stomach. “No. I haven’t told Dean I’m having contractions.”

“He needs to be here.”

“He has a scholarship to play football and he can’t miss a game.”

“He’s also going to have a baby.”

Claire heaved a sigh. “I have to go to work.”

“What? You’re having contractions. What are you thinking?”

Claire kissed her cheek. “I’m thinking you worry too much.”

Bunny caught her arm. “Be reasonable…”

Claire held up a hand to stop her. “If the baby starts to come, the manager will call an ambulance.”

“Oh, for crying out loud.” Bunny stomped her foot. “Sometimes you love that son of mine too much!”

Smiling, Claire reached for her purse just as someone knocked at the door. Bunny quickly opened it. Gwen stood there.

“Mom.” Claire hadn’t seen her mother since the police tried to take her home. Robert had forbidden Gwen to contact her. Their plan was that Claire would see the error of her ways and return home. But it hadn’t happened.

“May I speak with you, please?” her mom asked.

Claire looked past her and didn’t see her father. That meant he didn’t know Gwen had come. Tears stung the back of Claire’s eyes. “I’m on my way to work,” she said abruptly.

Gwen paled. “In your condition?”

“Yes. We need the money.” She held up her head and forced the tears away.

Her mom reached into her purse and pulled out a wad of hundred dollar bills. “Take this. I’ll bring more every week.”

Claire backed away. “Sorry. I can’t take your money. Dean and I are doing just fine.”

“Oh, yeah.” Gwen flung out a hand, the diamonds on her fingers sparkling. “He’s off having the time of his life while you’re here pregnant and working.”

“Please leave.”

“Claire, it’s not too late. You can give up the child for adoption and go on with your life. Remember how we talked about you joining my old sorority and—”

“Do you really think I could carry this child for nine months and just give it away?”

“Claire…”

“Please leave—now.” She was losing her temper and the tight rein she had on her emotions.

Gwen shoved the money at her. “Take it.”

“No thanks. Dean and I are doing fine.”

Her mother glanced around the small apartment. “I would hardly call this fine.”

Bunny stepped around Claire. “You’d better leave before I plant my foot in your snobby mouth.”

“How dare you?” Gwen spluttered.

“Mom, just leave,” Claire said, knowing her mother-in-law was getting angry.

Gwen whirled away and left.

As Bunny closed the door, she said, “She’s right, you know. You don’t need to be working.”

“Whose side are you on?” Claire slipped the strap of her purse over her shoulder and winced as a pain shot up her back.

“I don’t think you have to ask that.”

“No.” Bunny was unwavering in her support.

She studied Claire for a moment. “Stay home until the baby comes, and I’ll buy the groceries and pay the bills.”