Single Life

Dam. Madman! go take your fate by the hand, and commence your sad career!

[CHESTER crosses to MISS MEADOWS – DAMPER reads the last papers.

All. The last couple – now for the last couple!

Dam. “David Damper, Maria Macaw – Maria Macaw, David Damper.” Eh, what d’ye think of that? Come to me, fright! (To MISS MACAW.)

Miss Mac. (Crossing to him.) Object! I obey you.

Dam. Now isn’t it noble of us to form a marriage, for which none of you can guess the inducement?

All. (But MISS MACAW.) Noble! noble!

Dam. You wonder what we can see in each other, don’t you? Never mind – though we don’t begin by thinking that we can’t live asunder, we may not find out, as you will, that it is impossible to live together. We are united but for one object, to worry one another; and if we fail in that object, perhaps we may be the happiest couple amongst you.

Miss Mac. Nothing can annoy me but one question; and that is being asked my age!

Miss Mea. Did he ever dare to put that question to you?

Miss Mac. He did.

All. Oh, shame!

Dam. Well, well, never mind, Miss Macaw – the older you grow, the more your beauties will become developed. You are like the great American Aloe, by the time you’re a hundred years old, you’ll be in full bloom! eh? Ha! ha! Now, down on our knees, poor wretches that we are!

[All the gentlemen drop on one knee to their respective ladies.

Dam. Now – now for the mystery – now for the lady of the house! Where is she?

Miss Mea. Here, sir!

All. (The gentlemen rising.) You!

Che. You, Jessy!

Miss Mea. I am the lady of this house; and you, sir, have promised to marry the object of your aversion – an heiress. To avoid the importunities of heartless fortune-hunters, and in the hope to be loved for myself alone, I have resided at the cottage adjacent with my worthy relative in seclusion. Now you can comprehend my indignation, when I discovered that you were using the same means that I had selected, to gain my future happiness.

Che. And you shall be happy, if my affection can make you so. I have seen the errors of married men, and will avoid them; you shall be treated with that attention that you are entitled to demand. I will neither harrass you with ill-temper, render you miserable by dissipation, nor insult you by slighting your society; but strive with all my heart to make you as happy as I am sure you deserve to be.

Dam. Oh, mighty fine, mighty fine – you’ll tell a different story in a few months! Oh! what an unhappy set of wretches we shall all be shortly!

Listen while I your miseries rehearse,Prose can’t express them, I must speak in verse!Miss CoyPray hold your tongue —your arguments can’t shake us,’Tis time for troubles when they overtake us;Those who meet coming miseries half way,Deserve to have them —NiggleThat I’ve tried to sayA dozen times when I have been debatingWhether to wed or not —Miss MeadowsYour fluctuatingIs over now; for lo! a happy brideIs wooed and won, and smiling by your side!DamperPoor wretch! anticipation strikes him mute!Miss MacawDry your wet blanket do, ungenial brute!If your cold bosom no warm spark inherits,Is this a time to damp their ardent spirits?BossOh! let him say his worst, he’s harmless now —Miss Snare to BossTo your decision every one must bow!BossDear soul, my choice I never shall regret;Miss Skylark, (aside.)Self love and flattery ne’er quarrell’d yet!What say you, sir? (To Pinkey.)PinkeyMy lot in life is cast,Now I’ve the rubicon of popping past.ChesterI mean to prove, when passion may decline,That love and matrimony can combine!Miss Skylark (singing)Then “Life let us cherish while yet the taper glows;”DamperPray stop that lady – let me have reposeTo point a moral. (Advancing to the audience.) Ah! I see you two;Young man desist, you know not what you do;Take my advice, retract in time, forbear —You’re making love to that young woman there!Ah! you may look – he is, his fate is clear,Unless he’s warn’d by what he’s witnessed here.Pinkey, interferingHush! don’t – it’s delicate – like me, he mayHave borne his love in silence many a day,And I’ve a question (To the audience) I must pop to you:I’m half ashamed, upon my life it’s true;But will you, as I mean to take a wife,Forgive the errors of my Single Life?THE END