Single Life

Re-enter CHESTER; he paces the stage, DAMPER following him. Crosses to R

Che. Oh! the perversity of womankind: I thought she would have been surprised and delighted at the intelligence that I had wooed and won her under a false appearance, that instead of a struggling life of poverty, I could offer her one of wealth and comfort, and that my reason for such concealment was, that I might find one who would love me for myself alone. Why should she be angry? Why should she hear me with such indignation? Oh! woman – woman!

Dam. A diabolical sex, isn’t it, sir? I always said so – nobody would believe me– no one heeded my words – but now you’ll be a proselyte to creed, wont you?

Che. I’ll go to the manor house —

Dam. So will I.

Che. With another —

Dam. That’s what I intend to do.

Che. If I can find a lady to accompany me.

Dam. Let us go out together and pick up the first pair we can meet – you choose the youngest, I the oldest. Take my arm – there are two or three women in this town that I hate mortally, we’ll call on them – I’ll introduce you, and we’ll take our choice.

Che. I thought to see her face beam with delight.

Dam. One never can tell how they intend to look.

Che. Oh, Jessy!

Dam. Oh, Maria!

Che. Oh, woman! perverse —

Dam. Artful —

Che. Capricious —

Dam. Never-know-where-to-have-’em woman!

[Exeunt D.F.

SCENE II. —An Inn Parlour – Two chairs.

Enter MISS COY, F.E.L

Miss C. I am glad I have resolved to go to London. Now, while they are changing horses, let me collect my thoughts. Oh, dear, my misfortunes seem to come all at once – my agent absconded – my match with Mr. Niggle broken off – every body scandalizing me. – I am not sorry that I discovered the villiany of my agent before I had called in another to share my troubles – Mr. Niggle then would have been justified in supposing that I had inveigled him into marriage – that mortification, at least, is spared me.

NIGGLE, without, F.E.L

Nig. Let the chaise remain at the door.

Miss C. Ha! ’tis his voice – he has followed me, perhaps, to beg me to return with him; but I will not – a reconciliation is now hopeless.

Enter NIGGLE, F.E.L

Nig. Caroline, dear Caroline.

Miss C. Why, sir, have you followed me? If you were to repent your conduct to me ever so sincerely, I have told you that an obstacle to our union now exists, which cannot be removed.

Nig. I know it, dear, I know it, your obstacle is nothing to what my obstacle was; that is removed, and yours, I am sure, can soon be put aside. But on one thing I am resolved – you don’t go to London.

Miss C. I must, sir, and will.

Nig. I’ve told the coachman, the inside lady passenger don’t go on.

Miss C. Have you dared to take such a liberty? I must call out and contradict you.

[She attempts to cross to the L., NIGGLE stops her.

Nig. Hear me, pray, hear me, I have treated you ill, I confess; but I have longed to make every reparation. I was so bewildered, my feelings were so tossed, this way and that, on a sea of doubt, that I knew not how to guide them; but now I am determined – take me while my resolution is strong within me – do – do – fix me – I want to be fixed – there can be no wavering then – it will be done. Let me slide the ring on your finger – you throw the collar over my neck and make me a married man – do, do; I don’t feel respectable as I am. Pray consent; the evil genius that controlled me is exorcised – I am free – Damper himself is in the toils – Ha! ha! he’s caught, and I can now flirt where I please, love where I please, and marry where I please.

Miss C. Well, sir, take advantage of your emancipation, I beg.

Nig. I will, and carry you back with me.

Miss C. No.

Nig. You mean “yes,” I must take your negative as an affirmative, you pervert your mother tongue, you know you do. Come, come, whatever you are, whether penniless, a female adventurer, a scheming widow with a family of full grown young men about you, I puff all such obstacles into the air; and, in spite of the worst, am ready to marry.

Miss C. Let me pass you. (Crosses to L.)

Nig. What’s the matter?

Miss C. The coach has gone off without me.

Nig. It has, it has. Now you are in my power.

Miss C. Well, sir, I may be compelled to return with you; but the moment I arrive at home you must leave me. Were I not in the dilemma that I am, I might forgive you; but I should loose respect for myself were I now to listen to you, I can bear my troubles as I have born my recent mortification, alone and in silence. (Crying.)

Nig. (Crying.) Oh! what a woman I have lost – what a heroine – how she would have decided all my actions. Caroline, have pity.

Miss C. No. Take me home and leave me.

Nig. Give me hope.

Miss C. No.

Nig. One kind word.

Miss C. I wont.

Nig. (Taking a paper from his pocket-book.) Here, here is the licence, dear, look at it – read it – it may turn your heart.

[MISS COY takes the licence from his hand, tears it, throws it at his feet, and walks off with great dignity. NIGGLEtakes up the pieces in dismay.

Nig. That’s a decided negative. When a woman tears up the licence there can be no hope.

[Exit following MISS COY.

SCENE III. —An apartment at MISS SNARE’S– A glass door at the back – A screen on the L. – Two chairs.

Enter PINKEY and BOSS, D.F

Boss. Now, my man, you must make up your mind, you can’t be in finer order for popping the question; you have just finished your three pints of claret, your lady has this moment called with Damper and the mysterious gentleman that tea’d here yesterday, and you can’t have a better opportunity.

Pin. (A little elevated.) I’m sure I can’t, I feel quite brimful of words, overflowing with good three, four, and five-syllable, words. Lord, I think I could now stand on my legs and talk for an hour or two without stopping for breath. I only want the subject matter.

Boss. You can’t have a more inspiring theme than your love for your lady.

Pin. You and Miss Snare talk a great deal together; I’ve heard you when you didn’t know it. What do you talk about? Tell me, do – some people always seem to have to say so much to one another, that I can’t, for the life of me, make out what they can have converse upon.

Boss. You would gain little by knowing what passes between us.

Pin. Why?

Boss. We merely admire each other’s good qualities.

Pin. As much as to say, I’ve none for anybody to admire – I understand you – but I have though.

Boss. Oh, no doubt. You may be hiding your candle under a bushel.

Pin. That’s it – I have a light – I feel I have a light, I’m only afraid, if I attempt to show it, it will go out.

[MISS SKYLARK is heard singing.

Boss. She’s coming, I’ll leave you together.

Pin. Oh, don’t, I am not quite ready; that is, I don’t feel quite so desperate as I did just now.

Boss. Come, come, pop at once; and then, like a conquering hero, take her on your arm to this party that we are all invited to. We have arranged the opportunity for you, step behind this screen.

Pin. Why?

Boss. It’s necessary.

Pin. Do all people step behind screens when they propose to marry?

Boss. Too many, I’m afraid.

Pin. Ah! but matrimony soon kicks the screen down, don’t it? I wish we could be married without this awful ceremony of proposing. Why can’t people make telegraphic signs? what a deal of trouble it would save.

[MISS SNARE, heard without.

Miss Sna. Step this way, my dear.

[BOSS puts PINKEY behind the screen.MISS SKYLARK enters following MISS SNARE, D.F

Miss Sky. For what?

Miss Sna. Ah! Mr. Narcissus, I was looking for you. (She beckons to BOSS.) Take a seat for one moment, I beg.

[MISS SKYLARK sits; BOSSand MISS SNARErun off D.F.; BOSS locks the door, holds up the key, and disappears.

Miss Sky. What is the meaning of this? The door locked upon me. Miss Snare! (Calling at the door.) Let me out, I’m so nervous when I’m in a room by myself, pray, let me out. (Coming forward.) Very strange conduct, to ask me to step into this room, and then turn the key upon me. What can it mean?

[PINKEY sighs, very audibly, behind the screen.

Miss Sky. (Alarmed.) Oh! what’s that? it seems like the groan of a criminal full of remorse: surely no one can be in the room. I thought the sound came from behind that screen. Hem! (Coughs.) I wish I could get courage to peep.

[She sings to gain courage – passing cautiously behind the screen. PINKEY, at the same time, comes round in front, then takes his place at the back of it as she re-appears.

No one is there – there are no closets – no other door than that. I’m getting frightened, upon my honor I am – it must have been my fancy. Well, all I can do is to sit quiet till my friends are disposed to set me at liberty. I really feel inclined to scream.

[She sits in the chair. PINKEY comes forward, and gently places a chair by the side of her.

Pin. Hem!

[She screams and falls on her knees. DAMPER, MISS SNARE, BOSS and CHESTER, are seen watching them through the glass door.

Miss Sky. Oh! what’s that? – I can’t look I’m sure its something frightful.

Pin. (Falling on his knees beside her.) Now for it, I’m at high popping pressure. Angelic creature – dearest of women – I love you to distraction – I shall never be happy without you, you are necessary to my life – I never loved anybody but you – never can love anybody but you – I’ve got four hundred a year, an uncle with a row of houses, and an aunt with money in the bank – I’m the only nephew – I’m in both their wills – you are all to me, Oh, that I were all to you – in short – in fact – in a few words – will you be mine? There!

Miss Sky. (Recovers herself during his speech and rises.) No.

Pin. Oh, good gracious! You don’t mean it?

Miss Sky. I do, sir, I have heard of you; you proposed to another lady last night.

Pin. Oh, so I did.

Miss Sky. You confess it, do you; and, because you were rejected there, sir, you have summoned all the courage you are capable of to address me.

Pin. Let me explain.

Miss Sky. Monster, away.

[PINKEY, terrified, jumps up, runs to the door and calls out.

Pin. Let me out, pray, let me out; I’ve popped and it’s no use. Let me out.

[They hold the door fast laughing at PINKEY; BOSS, at length opens it; PINKEY darts out; MISS SNARE, BOSS, and DAMPERenter.

Miss Sna. (R.) What is the matter, have you refused him?

Miss Sky. (C.) Certainly. As I was coming here I met Miss Macaw, and it appears that Mr. Pinkey actually proposed to her last night.

Dam. (L.) Proposed to her!

Miss Sky. And she asked me, if I should meet him, to say that she particularly wishes to see him this evening. Could you have thought it? I shall not give him any further encouragement. Who next will he propose to, I wonder?

Dam. Oho! my lady’s coquetry is now accounted for. What a sex it is! the more I associate with it, the more I discover to detest in it. Miss Skylark, next to Miss Macaw, I dislike you more than any woman I know. I am going to a party – I am priviledged to take a lady. Will you accept my arm?

Miss Sky. To the manor-house?

Dam. Yes.

Miss Sky. I should like very much to go. I am so curious to discover who it is that shows such an anxiety to make our acquaintance.

Dam. Take my arm. (MISS SKYLARK takes DAMPER’S arm.) That I should ever be walking with a woman in this way. Well, one can only obtain a knowledge of a pestilence by boldly venturing where it rages. Come, of course I am to be annoyed all the way there by your horrible singing propensity.

Miss Sky. (Sings.)

“Oh, come with me, my love,And our fairy home shall beWhere the water spirits rove,In the deep, deep sea.”[DAMPER looks savagely at her as they go off, D.F.

Boss. Really, the courting people seem all to be getting to cross purposes! Ah, there is nothing like a platonic affection, is there, Miss Snare?

Miss Sna. I have no faith in platonic affections.

Boss. No!

Miss Sna. We might as well think of playing at snow-balls in July. The ice-cellar of propriety may yield the snow, but the moment it becomes exposed to the warm air of temptation, it dissolves into its original liquid!

Boss. ’Pon my life you’re a philosopher in petticoats – you certainly wear a hoop from the tub of Diogenes!

Miss Sna. Oh, flatterer.

Boss. Fact, really.

Miss Sna. I trust that I possess the candle of the sage, and have used it with more success than he did.

Boss. How?

Miss Sna. That with its light I have discovered in you, not only an honest, but an elegant man. (Crosses to L.)

Boss. You’re a divinity!

Miss Sna. Oh!

Boss. You are; and as I am no stoic, I must have a kiss. (Offers to kiss her.)

Miss Sna. (Repulsing him with great dignity.) Sir, that is a liberty I do not allow – there are certain bounds to familiarity, which once passed, we are in the highway of contempt. We have merely been friends, not lovers. You could not venture on a greater piece of indecorum, even after an accepted proposal! Good evening sir!

[Exit D.F., courtesying.

Boss. How very odd! This is the effect of dining with Pinkey, and yielding to a generous impulse. I hope she’s not seriously offended – hang it, I shall be wretched without her; for I have never before felt so at home and so perfectly amused, as I have been in her society. What can it mean? very strange. The fact is, I think the women are pleasant creatures after all; and I’ve not been sufficiently alive to their qualities! I’ll try another – I’ll see who else I can take to this party – must have a lady on my arm it seems. Perhaps Miss Snare will forgive me. If she’s in her parlour, I’ll tap at the door, and threaten to cut my throat if she don’t; for upon my life I feel miserable enough to do it – fact! (Takes out a pocket glass and adjusts his hair.) No, I couldn’t! (Regarding himself in the glass.) No, my fine fellow – now I look at you again, under no circumstances could I do that! (Admiring himself.) Upon my soul I couldn’t – it would be a pity! No, no, don’t be afraid, my man, I’ll take every care of you, as long as I live.

[Exit D.F.

SCENE IV. —An elegant apartment at the manor-house, lighted with candleabras, &c. Folding doors at the back. Five tables with writing paper on each, and ten chairs; two tables on each side, one in the centre, with writing materials on it. A letter on pink paper lying on the first table, L.

Enter NIGGLE, with MISS MEADOWS on his arm, C.D

Nig. Well, here I am, and with a lady, according to the terms of my invitation. Oh, Miss Meadows, if I had not encountered you, I must have come here alone. We are the first pair that have arrived, I see. Oh, miss, I am a miserable man.

Miss Mea. Is your lady inexorable?

Nig. She is indeed. I brought her back in the chaise, but she sat up in a corner all the way, and never uttered a word. I have no hope now of ever being married! Will you have me? Think of it, do– we might be happy – and I’ll make one more effort for matrimony, if I go from street to street, knock at every door, and ask if there is any lady within who would not object to marry a respectable, middle-aged gentleman – of amiable temper, great sensibility, and small fortune!

[They sit at the front table on the L.CHESTER enters with MISS SNARE on his arm, C.D

Miss Sna. How very strange there is no one to receive us. Ah, Mr. Niggle!

Nig. How is it that Boss is not with you?

Miss Sna. A little disagreement; and as this gentleman had called at my house, he politely offered to bring me here, as I expressed an anxiety to see our new neighbour.

[They sit at the front table on the R.BOSS enters, with MISS COY on his arm, C.D

Nig. There she is – inclined to marry Boss, no doubt.

Miss Sna. Surely he is not going to throw himself away on Miss Coy. She can never appreciate him, I’m sure.

Boss. (To MISS COY.) Fortunate I called on you, as you were anxious to come.

Miss C. Pray conduct me to a seat.

[BOSS conducts her to a chair at the second table on the R.DAMPER and MISS SKYLARK enter, arm-in-arm, back

Dam. Oh! pretty well all arrived, eh? and everybody looking as miserable as they deserve to be! Well, who is it that has asked us here?

Nig. I don’t know.

Boss. Nor I.

Dam. (To MISS SKYLARK.) Sit down.

Miss Sky. I will. (Aside.) What an incorrigible brute it is!

[They sit at the second table on the L. Enter PINKEY and MISS MACAW, arm-in-arm, C.D

Miss Sky. Indeed! brings her here – I was quite right to reject him!

Dam. (Looking at MISS MACAW.) I wish she was my wife – I’d wring her heart for this!

Pin. How d’ye do, all of you? Now, my dear Miss Macaw, pray take a chair – I shall be distressed if I neglect any attention that you may look for!

Miss Sky. Dear me, how gallant – I’ll coquet with Mr. Damper!

Miss Mea. ’Tis very strange that no one appears to receive us.

All. (To each other, and with great coquetry.) Very, very strange! Don’t you think so?

Miss Mea. What is this? A letter! and directed “From, the lady of the house to Mr. Pinkey.” (Taking up the pink letter on the table.)

Pin. To me!

[PINKEY rises in alarm, MISS MEADOWShands him the letter.

Pin. (Reading.) “From the lady of the house to – ” Oh, dear, what can it be about?

Boss. A love letter, perhaps.

All. Read it – read it!

Pin. (Opens the letter and reads; they all rise and surround him.) “The lady of the house hearing that her new neighbours have formed attachments that only require a little decision and a good example to end in matrimony, has invited them to propose, that each person shall write on a slip of paper the name of the party that he or she could be most happy with for life, and where there may be a mutuality to marry accordingly.

All. How strange – how odd!

Nig. Hush! Go on.

All. Go on.

Pin. (Continuing.) “When the selections are made and announced, let each gentleman fall gallantly on his knee to the object of his choice, and at that moment the lady of the house will appear.” There, now, what’s to be done?

Nig. The lady’s command must of course be obeyed!

All. Certainly – certainly.

Dam. Aha! Aha! Now Hymen’s torch is indeed blazing away in the midst of us. Burn your wings, ye infatuated moths, do! Bob blindly into the flame, and experience all the agonies I have long pictured to you – I’ll set you the example! Here – here is paper – pens too! Write – write – and seal your miseries!

[DAMPER goes to the centre table, and supplies the group with writing paper; they take pens, go to the tables where they were before seated, and write, looking towards the object of their choice.

Dam. Have you done?

All. Yes, yes.

Dam. Place your papers on this table – the women by themselves, the gentlemen by themselves– I’ll officiate as parish clerk and publish what banns I may!

[The ladies place their papers on one side of the centre table – the gentlemen on the other. All retire to their places.

Dam. (At the table.) Silence! (He selects two papers.) “John Niggle, Caroline Coy.” Now for Caroline Coy – the choice is mutual – ’tis John Niggle. Are you agreed?

Nig. Do you relent? Am I to be so happy? I cannot fluctuate now – forgive me – say but the word, and I am in your arms!

Miss C. As I have received a promise of help in my difficulties, I can’t refuse you!

Dam. Miserable being, go to your lady!

Nig. (Running to MISS COY and embracing her.) Happy man that I am, how can I express my joy?

Miss C. By your silence.

[DAMPER selects two other slips.

Dam. “Narcissus Boss, Sarah Snare.” The lady’s choice is fixed upon the same gentleman. Are you agreed?

Boss. Do you forgive me?

Dam. What has he done?

Miss Sna. If I must confess, he attempted to salute me, before making a formal declaration!

All. Oh, Boss, for shame!

Boss. Upon my life ’twas a mere grateful impulse.

Miss Sna. All the improprieties of life are impulses.

Dam. Make up your mind at once – Boss lives upon flattery, and Miss wants a husband – you can’t be better paired! Infatuated man, go to your lady!

[BOSS crosses to MISS SNARE and kisses her hand —DAMPER selects two more papers.

Dam. (Reading.) “Peter Pinkey could be happy for life with Miss Skylark” – miss ditto, with ditto gentleman.

Nig. Come Pinkey, speak out – the dumb would find words at such a moment!

Pin. Oh, bless you, I have been finding too many words – I said all that was necessary, but was rejected!

Miss Sky. Because you had proposed to another.

Pin. Upon my honor it was a mistake. In a bewildered moment I did do so; but I thought it was to you!

Miss Sky. (Looking at MISS MACAW.) It is not a very hard matter to believe you!

Dam. Silly boy, go to your choice. You’re young – there’s a fine long life of wretchedness in store for you!

Pin. (Running to her.) What do you say?

Miss Sky. (Singing.) “No more by sorrow chased my heart.”

Dam. Silence, woman! (Reading papers.) “Charles Chester, Jessy Meadows.” Miss Meadows is of the same opinion.

Che. Will you take your poor artist?

Miss Mea. I am sorry that you have deceived me – I would rather that you were the humble being you first professed you were —

Che. You shall yet have your wish. To please you I will even consent to be poor. (To MISS COY.) Aunt Caroline!

Nig. Aunt Caroline! Are you her nephew?

Che. I am, sir. At the hazard of her own happiness, almost at the risk of her good name, she kept a secret that I required of her – I made a promise a short time since that I would replace the income she has been deprived of by her agent, and I will do so; therefore, sir, (To NIGGLE.) you do not marry a penniless woman, whilst I by impoverishing myself, gratify the object of my choice!